anticipation

Most of the shock in a slap isn’t the way a hand hits a face
it’s that we don’t always see it coming  
 
It doesn’t feel quite the same when it comes with a warning label  
because there is time to flinch
turn your face  
clench your jaw
reel backwards  
though I guarantee it still hurts  
 
Someone once informed me that I was a weapon  
though if memory is anything to go by
I hit harder and lower than a back hand to the face  
 
I’ll never erase those memories I can’t quite look at
though they are there for the viewing
if I only I had the courage to turn my rage inwards
and attack myself with a two-by-four  
and relive every blow I executed with precision  
 
Trouble is  
I haven’t been able to look at myself in the mirror
for a very long time  
without losing my expression to grief  
and regret and words I know I can’t say  
because sorry isn’t big enough  
and forgiveness is a foreign entity  
 
Most of the shock in a slap isn’t the way a hand hits a face
it’s that we don’t always see it coming  
 
It’s time to turn my face towards the sun
because this one is going to hurt
 
© Indie Adams 2012