remembering

I remember all the blood
not seeing it
I was in such a daze
a brown out I don't remember much
beyond looking at myself in the mirror
and finally slides that blade across my throat
twice
I remember the flesh hanging down from my neck
I remember puncturing that hole in my lung
the voice told me to cough
and I did
and it came out of the puncture wound
as well as my mouth
maybe that's why my lung didn't collapse
I remember he would tell me to smoke
and I would
and he'd tell me to cough again
and I would
and the smoke would come out of the puncture wound
as well as my mouth

I remember all the blood
cutting off my finger with that steak knife
I didn't feel it so much
not pain like you'd imagine
same with driving that 12" bread knife up my rectum
it must have cut a lot
it must have done some damage
but it didn't hurt
not like you'd imagine it would

I remember all the blood
I remember the pain coming back when I tried to
saw off my leg
or cut off my dick

I remember all the blood
I remember the smell of it
I remember it being all over my body
how sticky and slimy it was
and I'd lay in bed
hoping I'd die
and feel the matress soaked with blood
and feeling it on my back as my weight pushed on it
and like a sponge it would squish out
rather disturbing

I remember the blood
it was everywhere