deepundergroundpoetry.com
Take Me Back (I Am POE-thetic)
I haven't recovered from the shame you left me in,
Here I am screaming your name,
I'm on my knees and I have no hope,
I'm lost without you so please; take me back,
I thought I could move on and I was wrong,
What hurts the most this time you're not helping me up,
I can't get my self together,
I've packed all my things in an attempt to leave,
But you're the rope tied to the anchor I call "memories",
I scream for closure; oh God don't let me be... alone.
Everyone can tell there's something different but no one bothers to help,
I can't blame them because after you I shut myself away,
And now I am afraid,
In the shadows I once called home,
So someone please show me the light,
Set me free from this rough patch of life,
I can't do this alone,
Here I am crying over the what we used to be,
I've even found myself bowing over like a man born with a disease,
I told myself I wasn't gonna let this get the best of me,
Easier said the done I suppose the rest is history.
Here I am screaming your name,
I'm on my knees and I have no hope,
I'm lost without you so please; take me back,
I thought I could move on and I was wrong,
What hurts the most this time you're not helping me up,
I can't get my self together,
I've packed all my things in an attempt to leave,
But you're the rope tied to the anchor I call "memories",
I scream for closure; oh God don't let me be... alone.
Everyone can tell there's something different but no one bothers to help,
I can't blame them because after you I shut myself away,
And now I am afraid,
In the shadows I once called home,
So someone please show me the light,
Set me free from this rough patch of life,
I can't do this alone,
Here I am crying over the what we used to be,
I've even found myself bowing over like a man born with a disease,
I told myself I wasn't gonna let this get the best of me,
Easier said the done I suppose the rest is history.
Published 21st Sep 2012
| Edited 18th Oct 2013
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9th Oct 2013 9:27am
good job on capturing my emotional state for at least 6 months after my ex-wife left. your words are very direct, which is good, but i think if you used more metaphors and specific examples to show how you feel, it would be more powerful.
every line ends with a comma except the last. this could be an attempt to show the run-on nature of your thoughts, maybe with a hitching breath holding back sobs at the end of each line. or it could be that you felt ending each line with a comma was standard form. i think some lines would work better without the commas, to give more power to the thoughts that don't need a pause. for example:
"Here we are once again,
And what hurts the most this time,
Is the fact that you're not helping me up,"
would likely flow better by removing the first two commas and replacing the last with a period.
"I can't do this alone,
But here I am crying over the stupid past,
When I should have just left a long time ago,
And the truth is,
I'll never forgot this."
again, drop the commas and let your pain be shown by the increasing pace toward a dead stop at the end.
finally, this line:
"But you're the rope tied to the anchor and you're holding me down,"
is a bit confusing, implying your lost lover is only the connection to a deeper problem that's holding you back. maybe your ex should be the anchor, with no need to mention a rope at all. of course, be careful with cliche metaphors. can you think of something besides an anchor that holds something down/back? a paperweight? a parachute after you've already hit the ground? black leather straps and chains?
like i said, you've captured an emotional state nicely. but i think you can make it a lot better.
every line ends with a comma except the last. this could be an attempt to show the run-on nature of your thoughts, maybe with a hitching breath holding back sobs at the end of each line. or it could be that you felt ending each line with a comma was standard form. i think some lines would work better without the commas, to give more power to the thoughts that don't need a pause. for example:
"Here we are once again,
And what hurts the most this time,
Is the fact that you're not helping me up,"
would likely flow better by removing the first two commas and replacing the last with a period.
"I can't do this alone,
But here I am crying over the stupid past,
When I should have just left a long time ago,
And the truth is,
I'll never forgot this."
again, drop the commas and let your pain be shown by the increasing pace toward a dead stop at the end.
finally, this line:
"But you're the rope tied to the anchor and you're holding me down,"
is a bit confusing, implying your lost lover is only the connection to a deeper problem that's holding you back. maybe your ex should be the anchor, with no need to mention a rope at all. of course, be careful with cliche metaphors. can you think of something besides an anchor that holds something down/back? a paperweight? a parachute after you've already hit the ground? black leather straps and chains?
like i said, you've captured an emotional state nicely. but i think you can make it a lot better.
16th Oct 2013 7:09am
Thanks. This was one of my earliest writes and I will most definitely go back a fix them. Thank you for the feedback and for taking the time to read. Much appreciated.
