deepundergroundpoetry.com
lungs
the loneliness in his eyes
was like trying to breathe with a collapsed lung
it left me breathless every time
he gave up enough
to let me see into his soul
and view someone deeper
than a skateboard junky
with a philosophy addiction
and a habit of drinking himself to bad dreams
where I was just a haunted late night lullaby
© 2012
was like trying to breathe with a collapsed lung
it left me breathless every time
he gave up enough
to let me see into his soul
and view someone deeper
than a skateboard junky
with a philosophy addiction
and a habit of drinking himself to bad dreams
where I was just a haunted late night lullaby
© 2012
Published 21st Sep 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 10
reads 845
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Sep 2012 11:02pm
short yet deeply felt
it made me visualize a dude wearing a vision skate wear shirt listening to Rancid sipping on cheap whiskey with a tear in his eye, go figure
:)
great poem!
it made me visualize a dude wearing a vision skate wear shirt listening to Rancid sipping on cheap whiskey with a tear in his eye, go figure
:)
great poem!
22nd Sep 2012 1:37am
Anonymous
22nd Sep 2012 1:38am
'philosophy addiction' is wonderful.
okay, i'm terrible at actually critiquing things, but just a few notes:
*i got a little lost in the last line as to whether the narrator was haunting 'him' or whether they were a separate entity entirely
* some sort of spacing between lines 3 and 4 might help for an easier first read-through
* i have a personal vendetta against the words 'soul' and 'deep' , but i feel like the 4-6 lines might benefit from a slight tweak or expansion upon those
but, of course, all IMHO and it's lovely without.
:]
okay, i'm terrible at actually critiquing things, but just a few notes:
*i got a little lost in the last line as to whether the narrator was haunting 'him' or whether they were a separate entity entirely
* some sort of spacing between lines 3 and 4 might help for an easier first read-through
* i have a personal vendetta against the words 'soul' and 'deep' , but i feel like the 4-6 lines might benefit from a slight tweak or expansion upon those
but, of course, all IMHO and it's lovely without.
:]
22nd Sep 2012 1:42am
wow, thank you aglitch. My first critique. :D
in the last line it is about me haunting him, sorry that wasn't clear.
I wrote this piece almost like a really long broken up sentence, which is why there is no spacing.
not sure how to fix deep and soul, any ideas? I suppose I could just look up a thesaurus lol.
in the last line it is about me haunting him, sorry that wasn't clear.
I wrote this piece almost like a really long broken up sentence, which is why there is no spacing.
not sure how to fix deep and soul, any ideas? I suppose I could just look up a thesaurus lol.
22nd Sep 2012 2:29am
A wonderful write (and a small tug on some recognizable heartstrings)...quite enjoy your writing thus far...a small suggestion would be that i think you could present more power with stanza breaks...cheers,look forward to more
22nd Sep 2012 10:56am
Thank you so much lightbaron :D I will look more into stanza breaks. So so happy you like.
Anonymous
22nd Sep 2012 8:23am
My Goodness Eve.
With every write you produce you push me that much closer to being a stalker of your poetry.
The powerful choice of words in this seems like each chosen one had won the lottery to be permitted in the piece.
I can't give you any pointers that Aglitch and Lightbaron have not allready penned above, and I do agree with them.
That said I must stand and shout "Bravo" at this and most deffinately click that button that allows me to come back and read it again and again.
Blue skies at you and your tallent
Al -x-
With every write you produce you push me that much closer to being a stalker of your poetry.
The powerful choice of words in this seems like each chosen one had won the lottery to be permitted in the piece.
I can't give you any pointers that Aglitch and Lightbaron have not allready penned above, and I do agree with them.
That said I must stand and shout "Bravo" at this and most deffinately click that button that allows me to come back and read it again and again.
Blue skies at you and your tallent
Al -x-
22nd Sep 2012 11:03am
aww, wow, thank you so much Alip :D I don't mind a poetry stalker. I'm a little breathless at your praise. Thank you again, so so much.
23rd Sep 2012 7:05pm
24th Sep 2012 6:27am
