deepundergroundpoetry.com
REALISM OF A SHAM
Dark memories of her temptuous love keep huntin' my misled and unconscious mind. Thoughts of her and I somehow they, they just snag into all my morning days. Mistress you are familiar
with our misdemeanour.
We wont find any jolly pleasurers in these adulterous liasions of ours.
Your partner nor mine will welcome these childish actions.
She showers me with compliments of cash it feels as if she's my pawnbroker.
What occurs when this is all stripped to nudity, she and I will be isolated like serum. Curse this love for it has numbed our emotions for the outside world, now we are even hurting the ones we once cared for.
With all that we work at the same MAWL, I feel the need to leave my job take away no feelings or memories of sweetness we shared.
Ohh yes our hearts will break as we divide, conflict will rebel. Followed by fashionable rage to enemies maybe however I have great intensity Cupid will mend them for us.
with our misdemeanour.
We wont find any jolly pleasurers in these adulterous liasions of ours.
Your partner nor mine will welcome these childish actions.
She showers me with compliments of cash it feels as if she's my pawnbroker.
What occurs when this is all stripped to nudity, she and I will be isolated like serum. Curse this love for it has numbed our emotions for the outside world, now we are even hurting the ones we once cared for.
With all that we work at the same MAWL, I feel the need to leave my job take away no feelings or memories of sweetness we shared.
Ohh yes our hearts will break as we divide, conflict will rebel. Followed by fashionable rage to enemies maybe however I have great intensity Cupid will mend them for us.
Published 5th Sep 2012
| Edited 7th Sep 2012
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Anonymous
- Edited 6th Sep 2012 11:53am
6th Sep 2012 11:51am
Though this has the potential to be a good poem its shaky grammar stifles it. I hope you won't be offended if I make a list of the mistakes; I just want to see this poem's potential realised.
1. "her tempterous love"; should be "temptuous"
2. "keep huntin'"; should be "keeps"
3. "mislead"; should be "misled"
4. "Thoughts of her and I somehow they, they just spoke into all my morning days"; this line is very confused. How about: "I thought of her and somehow they spoke into all my mornings"?
5. "familiar/Of"; should be "familiar with"
6. "'adulterous' of ours"; a word is missing here. How about: "these 'adulterous' liasions of ours"?
7. "Sincere her partner nor mine will welcome these childish actions"; "sincere" doesn't fit with the rest of the line.
8. In the next sentence a semi-colon (;) after "cash" will help distinguish the two halves, so they don't run together.
9. "leave of my job"; you don't need "of." A comma after "job" would help too.
10. "Conflict will rebell"; "rebel"
11. "Meand"; "mend"
Thank you for reading this, and I hope it helps.
1. "her tempterous love"; should be "temptuous"
2. "keep huntin'"; should be "keeps"
3. "mislead"; should be "misled"
4. "Thoughts of her and I somehow they, they just spoke into all my morning days"; this line is very confused. How about: "I thought of her and somehow they spoke into all my mornings"?
5. "familiar/Of"; should be "familiar with"
6. "'adulterous' of ours"; a word is missing here. How about: "these 'adulterous' liasions of ours"?
7. "Sincere her partner nor mine will welcome these childish actions"; "sincere" doesn't fit with the rest of the line.
8. In the next sentence a semi-colon (;) after "cash" will help distinguish the two halves, so they don't run together.
9. "leave of my job"; you don't need "of." A comma after "job" would help too.
10. "Conflict will rebell"; "rebel"
11. "Meand"; "mend"
Thank you for reading this, and I hope it helps.
Cool, cool I get you Mate thanks hay :)
I guess I should read, I thought I saved this as a draft. Those were some nice pointers I surely use them
I guess I should read, I thought I saved this as a draft. Those were some nice pointers I surely use them
Anonymous
7th Sep 2012 2:29am
I made a mistake of my own. You were right the first time with "keep" in the first line, sorry!
