deepundergroundpoetry.com
We're Batteries
We work and play
All day
Refuel and recharge
All night
Break us open
And we'll start to ooze
We get older
We lose our strength
When we're with others
If we work together
We're stronger
In parallel
We're as weak as individuals
Millions of us are made a day
Indistinguishable from one another
To all but the keen observer
Beyond that
We get used and abused,
We're only as good as the work we do
And when our facade cracks
We can start spitting acid...
[Edited due to critique from Jack Heslop]
All day
Refuel and recharge
All night
Break us open
And we'll start to ooze
We get older
We lose our strength
When we're with others
If we work together
We're stronger
In parallel
We're as weak as individuals
Millions of us are made a day
Indistinguishable from one another
To all but the keen observer
Beyond that
We get used and abused,
We're only as good as the work we do
And when our facade cracks
We can start spitting acid...
[Edited due to critique from Jack Heslop]
Published 4th Sep 2012
| Edited 5th Sep 2012
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 5th Sep 2012 6:03pm
5th Sep 2012 6:02pm
You don't need the first "as" in L5 of verse four. I also don't think you need the last line, which feels like the answer to a riddle, which the title already provides.
I really enjoyed this poem. It was clever and witty, and works on two levels; those batteries could be seen as a metaphor for human beings. We "work and play," we're "weak as individuals," "stronger/in parallel," and we "get used and abused." Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
I really enjoyed this poem. It was clever and witty, and works on two levels; those batteries could be seen as a metaphor for human beings. We "work and play," we're "weak as individuals," "stronger/in parallel," and we "get used and abused." Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
5th Sep 2012 6:35pm
JYHO is all I really want. I absolutely love honest critique. As for the 'as', when I was writing this piece I took it out and then on a whim replaced it. I wrote this piece and then took the ending as the title but I think that[as you've said] that has made the end line a bit redundant.
I'm glad you enjoyed this piece.
I'm glad you enjoyed this piece.
Anonymous
15th Sep 2012 2:49pm
So true! I enjoyed reading this!
15th Sep 2012 3:18pm
