two little words

Great write Indie!! Heart felt sweetheart

Thank you very much Dr L :) much appreciated.
Peace, Indie

Forgiveness, the opposite of monster. Placed just so.  Good read.

Thank you for your lovely little comment Mr Turtle :)

Peace, Indie

You made it easy to feel the exhale in this one. An intimate feeling of relief communicated beautifully - good job Missy!

Thank you very much Scattered Thoughts for your lovely feedback :)

Peace, Indie

Somebody who thinks (even in a poem) she is "self-loathing" and seems to reveal or unveil herself through anyone else loves herself more than can be imagined.  You have good poetic ability (images, metaphores, etc.) but this poem is too self-enclosing.  To know you, open, like a tulep in spring.

marcella1

Rule one of poetry: never assume the poem is about the author.

Poetry is an expression of an idea, a dream, an emotion, a moment etc.

I'm grateful for your comment, but I'm after feedback on the content of the poem and how it works/doesn't work, what emotions it evokes in the reader, not what the reader thinks of me as the person who wrote it.

Peace, Indie

...if I may.

The poem is caught between past and present tense, and this is created in the way you use an expression of speech in the first stanza...I would tidy it up this way;

Everything I am
hung on two words
waiting to be breathed
from your smoke filled lungs

I lay deep within my own inhale
not knowing and afraid (I prefer not knowing, rather than unknowing, as one infers ignorance...perhaps)
of the hours ahead
and whether my self-loathing
will permeate its way
into your far-off consciousness

Will you discard me
as I have discarded myself?
Will you spit my hidden words
back into my face with the fire
I fear I deserve?

Impossibly (the word 'impossibly' has dubious merit here...what does it add? Try something else?)tangible relief
overflowing my lungs
at the drop of your whisper
upon my desperate ears

We’re okay


The idea is solid, and the emotion conveyed is a universal one. Good job.

dp

Thank you dp for your in depth feedback. I've fixed up a few of the tense issues. I'll ponder verse two, I like the way unknowing sounds.

Not sure what to do about impossibly, can't really convey how I had it in my head onto paper and right now that's the best word I've got.

Thanks again.
Peace, Indie

All good my dear...nothing wrong with a writer standing her ground :-)

dp

ur suspense was so intense that i could almost grab a handful of it.....anxiety leading audience to the last line.i would paraphrase the poem tittle as 'moment of truth'.take a bow.......another stroke of genius

Thank you defi6x for your lovely feedback :)
While your title choice packs more punch, for me it would be misleading the reader. I like the subtler approach, like a whisper, this one.

Thanks again. :D Much appreciated. Glad you enjoyed this piece.

Peace, Indie