an isolated plane of existence

The idea is most engaging;

The poem came off well. Its intended impact was
certainly achieved

Good thing it resurfaced-
Even better for me that I came across it

Good pen duncan!

Thanks for that positively glowing comment.

i actually really identify with this poem. i have recently felt this way :/  but it is very good, i like the flow

duncan

have been reading your work these days. though have not
been able to comment so far. i will try to start here.

straight to business.

'I walk these barren corridors,
alone,
in a place I should know
I'm on an isolated plane of existence
I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I'm going

[i am not too well versed with your stlylistic
approach. i identify with your cause and canvas.
so i would say this. yes. it seems like an old
poem. the last two lines in S1 could be altered
imo. you can do better than this. i know.]


I'm living in the moment,
An empty moment,
Catching glimpses of things to come

[L3 works well.]

I smile and watch
as people rip me to bits

[yes. this is good. interesting turn.]

Let them have there fun
at the cost of what is me
Their fun is worth anything I could give

[there should be 'their.]


I'm sinking under
but that's okay,
Limbo's where I'm at
and it looks like I'm here to stay.'

duncan. honestly i know the idea and recognize the tone and the message. i would suggest you to rework it a bit.:] when you had penned it must have seemed new. but after all these years months days this just just not do things in the same scale. i sound harsh [unlike me] but this has great scope. just the images seem dated. the visceral punch is amiss. you are definitely better than that.


spend some time on it. it should come.

power,

sumeet

Thank you for such a honest critique. This is the type of critic that we need to help us better our selves.

Much Love

Good man.:] You are quick and I love
that sincerity and dedication. Warms
my heart.

Am checking the 2.0 right away.

xx

Sumeet