Last dance

Well I'll dance with you as long as you don't have two left feet. My toes are sensitive and all. Once I dropped a crock pot on one of my toes I was out for a week. Bed bound
Anyways this was great. I could visualize two people slow dancing! The girl with her head on a big guys shoulder in silence no music dk why. But I enjoyed this it was great

thanks much gg...not far off from my vision either

oh, and I can cut rug missy! no crock pot stomping here

Quick drive by crit: you could use a modifier in front of debt in S1L2. Without one I stumbled with the pace and diction.

Very nice piece, LB.

Shall return :)

wanted the "debt" to be ambiguous but i will try to arrange for something that keeps it that way but balances that hiccup you felt, thank you kindly Aish

lightbaron

finally i have gathered ample courage
to have a go at this.

straight to business.

'Dance with me my darling
for I have debt
and the only redemption
I have is a moment

[yes, me thinks 'debt' needs one. an article at least. an adjective. something. 'accrue' would be technical. too wharton and law school. this is elegant. accrue IMO does not have a place here.  if nothing, then an article. second thoughts, that's all i see. then the weight on 'debt' would be enormous. your call.

get rid of the 'and' here.

wonderful, old school feel here. clinical and gripping. me also thinks that S1 is a stand alone on its own. good job. really. cinematic.]

and the moment as always
is now

[yes. smooth and potent. nice spotlight on 'now.']

rest the ragged edge
of your skirt onto my bare foot
toes dug deep into engaged earth
and let me hear your vacant breath
recite the just off beat perfection
of love lost in asymmetry

[ah. honey. after a long time, i am reading stuff like this. heavythick and dripping. love the build up.]

the tiny scar above your lip
reminds the world to bring you
to my focus
as I am rendered helpless
by that micro metered
up-lift
in your smile

[ah. orgasmic. nothing else.]

your laugh,
despite the armageddon of intimacy
invites a Jericho falling of walls
and I surrender
but

[the baron touch. supreme in the confidence.
drama and drama.]

I still owe
and

can not be returned
so

Dance with me my darling
and let every note count

[bravo. seminal. one of the simplest and the best in your offering. very mainstream and yet its peppered with your signature moves. such writes disappoint me when they dont move.

this one moved me. for its tangible soul. you have poured yourself well into this and it shows. the attachment of the art and the artist is the key here.

personal note. CAPS. i am all in for fluid seamless art. poetry. CAPs jar.

write on lover,

x

sumeet

wow. can not thank you enough for your time and insight, every word weighed, my friend.

I went with considerable for now.
struggling with maybe heavy. flexible, and suggestions from anyone seriously considered and appreciated.
again my wanded fella thanks, and stay well

Verse one, IMO last line would work better as
"I have is this moment"
and take out.  
"and the moment as always
is now"
the repetition doesn't add anything to poem.
 
"rest the ragged edge
of your skirt onto my bare foot
toes dug deep into engaged earth
and let me hear your vacant breath
recite the just off beat perfection
of love lost in asymmetry"
Love the imagery here, really strong and sensual
 
"the tiny scar above your lip
reminds the world to bring you
to my focus
as I am rendered helpless
by that micro metered
up-lift
in your smile"

"your laugh,
despite the armageddon of intimacy
invites a Jericho falling of walls
and I surrender
but"

I always love personal touches in poems and this is beautiful.
 
I really love this, it's sweet and wistful, and dare I say it, romantic. (I never said that and you didn't hear me XD)

Peace, Indie

thank you ever so miss indie!...thinking on your comment on the redundant moment thingy?...will certainly weigh...and though i didnt hear it the shadow of a romantic tingle, fairs well with me, glad i felt it...as you did(or didn't)..thanks again my dear