deepundergroundpoetry.com
the art of stick dyslexia
I never learnt to drive stick properly
considering I was drunk 99.9% of the times
anyone bothered to get out it and guide me away
from wherever it was I planned on going
‘cause I never once reached my destination
While I’ve always been manually dyslexic
when it comes to riding on things other girls drool over
ohh’ing and ahh’ing at the latest shiny toy
hot out on the market ‘cause every girl wants
a model with a body like that… right?
It took a while to figure out I don’t really care
about driving stick like other girls that pine
for a shiny (or not so shiny) toy to call their own
bragging to their friends about everything from
maintenance to how far the fuel tank will take them
And I’ve spent hours in tortured contemplation
wondering why cars don’t get me off when it turns out
I was never meant to be riding around on anything so masculine
‘cause I’m more of a bikes kind of girl anyway
© Indie Adams 2012
considering I was drunk 99.9% of the times
anyone bothered to get out it and guide me away
from wherever it was I planned on going
‘cause I never once reached my destination
While I’ve always been manually dyslexic
when it comes to riding on things other girls drool over
ohh’ing and ahh’ing at the latest shiny toy
hot out on the market ‘cause every girl wants
a model with a body like that… right?
It took a while to figure out I don’t really care
about driving stick like other girls that pine
for a shiny (or not so shiny) toy to call their own
bragging to their friends about everything from
maintenance to how far the fuel tank will take them
And I’ve spent hours in tortured contemplation
wondering why cars don’t get me off when it turns out
I was never meant to be riding around on anything so masculine
‘cause I’m more of a bikes kind of girl anyway
© Indie Adams 2012
Published 20th Jul 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 1
comments 15
reads 1006
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th Jul 2012 8:16am
20th Jul 2012 8:26am
Thank you Fred, I wanted to try something really different with this piece. Glad it works and that you enjoyed x)
Peace, Indie
Peace, Indie
Anonymous
20th Jul 2012 9:27am
There's an unneeded "a" in L1.
The syntax in L2 and 3 is very awkward. It took me a moment to make sense of those lines. I'd recommend removing "anyone" from L2, and editing L3 thusly: "noone bothered to get out and guide me away".
I'd also recommend removing both commas. In L4 of verse two I'd replace it with a bracket, then close the brackets after L5.
I liked this poem a lot. It's tough and engaging, with a wry sense of humour that keeps it ticking along beautifully.
It conveys an individual personality very very well, contrasting it with societal expectations of how a woman should be and how the narrator's peers behave.
Definitely one for my reading list.
The syntax in L2 and 3 is very awkward. It took me a moment to make sense of those lines. I'd recommend removing "anyone" from L2, and editing L3 thusly: "noone bothered to get out and guide me away".
I'd also recommend removing both commas. In L4 of verse two I'd replace it with a bracket, then close the brackets after L5.
I liked this poem a lot. It's tough and engaging, with a wry sense of humour that keeps it ticking along beautifully.
It conveys an individual personality very very well, contrasting it with societal expectations of how a woman should be and how the narrator's peers behave.
Definitely one for my reading list.
20th Jul 2012 9:43am
Thanks so much for your crit Jack. I've remedied it the best I can. In lines 2 and 3, I hoped to show that I was being guided in the wrong direction. I rearranged the lines a little so hopefully they scan a bit better in the brain now. Otherwise I'll have to ponder a minor overhaul. Comma's removed, I know how much they gall you :P. Not sure what you meant about the bracket shuffle so I've left it alone.
Honoured to have this in your reading list. :D Thanks again.
Honoured to have this in your reading list. :D Thanks again.
Anonymous
20th Jul 2012 9:51am
I meant that you should arrange the lines like this: "(cause every girl wants/a model with a body like that… right?)"
Thank you for taking my critique so well. x
Thank you for taking my critique so well. x
20th Jul 2012 9:59am
Aww Jack, you know me, I'll only argue with you if I think you're wrong (hehe). I get what you mean about the brackets now. I'll have a looks and maybe change them, if I like what I see. I am almost always willing to improve my work, depending on the poem and how seriously I take it. There are things I'm not entirely happy with this one that could be improved and I am grateful to you for taking the time to give me a decent crit.
Peace, Indie
Peace, Indie
20th Jul 2012 1:41pm
20th Jul 2012 7:19pm
21st Jul 2012 00:10am
Thank you Harlequin for your interesting feedback. :) food for thought.
Practice might indeed make perfect in most things, but it doesn't necessarily make the practiced thing right for the practice'ee. In this poem I was using cars and bikes as a metaphor for sex and sexuality. Thanks again for the comment and the read.
Peace, Indie
Practice might indeed make perfect in most things, but it doesn't necessarily make the practiced thing right for the practice'ee. In this poem I was using cars and bikes as a metaphor for sex and sexuality. Thanks again for the comment and the read.
Peace, Indie
21st Jul 2012 00:53am
Yes and of course I accept my misconception and make my bow and draw in the veil to disappear
21st Jul 2012 00:57am
it's okay, any interpretation is a good interpretation. (As long as I don't leave the reader indifferent.) Because of the nature of posting on sites like this, I can share my inner thoughts with you. You're not wrong for what you thought, just as I am not wrong for how I wrote it. We just looked at the poem from different angles. :)
21st Jul 2012 5:33am
I really really really like this poem. Fantastic wording. Fantastic metaphor. Great overall.
21st Jul 2012 6:16am
Thank you so much Nathan for your lovely feedback. Much appreciated. Glad you enjoyed. :D
