deepundergroundpoetry.com
dark danger
In the deep dark paces of the mind where the mind is broken ,toren into jagged shreads .The place where all pain of lonelyness and shame ,grief and all the evil of youth and adult life a monster creeps it lives on the fear that the mean hurtfull words and lies that in the name love has been layed at our feet by ones we thought we could trust.
Deep down in that darkness of hurt dispair,self louthing,lives a beast so horrible so distained so far removed for humanity it is more akin to all that goes bump in the night it lurks to eat at our hearts ripping holes and bleeding us as a vampire it pray, here it lays in wait for the unloved abandoned the ones that have been tossed aside for the needs of another .The cutting the burning of the outside can not fill this beast it only grows looming larger in our pain beweare it will feed on the very soul if you let it .
Published 9th Jul 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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10th Jul 2012 4:13am
Okay so I am new to this group. And I am unsure about what I should or should not write about someones work... But if it were me I would want the person commenting to be honest so here goes.
First off I think you are a brave person because you have put your work out there for others to read and comment on. that can be a scarey thing.
Okay so here goes with my comments:
1) There are a few errors in spelling. This kind of distracts from your work.
2) I also like to break my work up into the way I am thinking them. Yours looks like a run on sentence to me. Comma's aren't in the right place either.
3) I do think you have a good idea in this poem. Nice imagery going here.
4) nice wording... Liked the first line even though it had errors in it. Grabbed my attention right away which is necessary to keep your reader from just going on to something else to read.
All in all a decent write here.
I always make sure I tell a writer that their write is their own and so long as you like what you have written that is all that matters.
Also practice writing. You'll improve as you write more.
Thanks for sharing.
trekkergirl
First off I think you are a brave person because you have put your work out there for others to read and comment on. that can be a scarey thing.
Okay so here goes with my comments:
1) There are a few errors in spelling. This kind of distracts from your work.
2) I also like to break my work up into the way I am thinking them. Yours looks like a run on sentence to me. Comma's aren't in the right place either.
3) I do think you have a good idea in this poem. Nice imagery going here.
4) nice wording... Liked the first line even though it had errors in it. Grabbed my attention right away which is necessary to keep your reader from just going on to something else to read.
All in all a decent write here.
I always make sure I tell a writer that their write is their own and so long as you like what you have written that is all that matters.
Also practice writing. You'll improve as you write more.
Thanks for sharing.
trekkergirl
