manic/depression

first off
great song by emilie autumn the unlaced of album
i have a thing i can remember sings i like when they are said
...

tala's lingering in my mind and its hard to focus...

ok soon...

after some mcr
and some adema

ok back to the poem

...
days of dark
nights of horror
minds still stabilizing
its cracking
braking
like earth after the moon crashed into it
volatile
water and fire come as one but fight like lovers turned to great enemies
then was when i saw shortly
in distance
blinded by pain
i realized something soon
i didn't want to die
but the prospect of living in this world...
brought tears of pain with cuts of anger
if i died i'd be free
but then theirs god
would he forgive me
i knew it wasn't my time
but how could i so much as dine in peace with myself in peaces tearing itself apart
i felt a new feeling in this turbulence a awful new torture
true confusion
i faced that i felt two opposites at once
before it was one fading into another but now two
something evil this is
i cut myself and i wanted more to tear the flesh from my bone to destroy my soul to stop the pain
another part knew it wrong wished to stop the mutilation
another part wished to take it out on someone else make them suffer it wasn't my fault i got hurt so much my ignorance but not a mildly justified punishment for stupidity
i had headaches twitches neurological motor failure ( aka i'd walk and a leg would give out for a split second) so much as now a year later i fail to be able to wiggle my toes
eyes gave out for seconds long seconds
desire to kill myself but the need to live to find something worth while
it got worse
always does haha... :( its not funny just sad
a need to rest sit still sleep cry be social turn the other cheek as of my younger days in elementary with this new hateful wounded manic side felt pain but never cried showed it antisocial for protection
they just fought each other i wanted to so much as watch tv but couldn't i would stand in the worst of it i'd twitch move just about bounce off the walls but i wanted to rest
even at times trips for pleasure
i was laughing but wanted to cry hurting but never shown it
it wore me out this life i also stopped cutting myself
but the cost looking at me now
i don't know if this can be fixed
cutting myself that was my battle
i can't just will this all normal all right
it painful and frighting to know how bad it was and your only worse just can't feel it like i did
people can't see how broken i am because i can lie better about it
i used to have alexa then tala then others matt being one
now i have nothing
i write so much personal stuff here because i have nowhere else to put it
its an unsettling thought