deepundergroundpoetry.com
When I Vanish
Wanting to love like before
But I'm the one in the way
Your love loves another, but is unsure
What to do, should i let them stay
He needs to be happy
He deserves that right
And this is nothing sappy
Something i cant change with all my might
Alone to see them love, and the memories flow
killing a piece of me
but no one will know
For this is how it has to be
Tried to forget
but always compared
can never regret
the bond that we shared
Tries to love again and kills the chance
wishing i was better
watching as my heart is purged by a lance
my own fire burnt my letter
That would tell her what we could have had
but is nothing of worth
she seems happy while i hide the sad
could it have worked if we both went forth
To give it a try and let if fly
not clipping its wings to fly no more
now all i do inside is cry
hiding it from the ones that think its not a lore
falling alone once more
nothing but his laughter of my pain
back to where i belong below the poor
my heart now one big stain
losing its blood so i die
wishing for more, that will never come
not alone in death but that's a lie
my life's note dieing from its strum
the silence falls
its just me here
for me no one will call
dead and alone with naught but a tear
But I'm the one in the way
Your love loves another, but is unsure
What to do, should i let them stay
He needs to be happy
He deserves that right
And this is nothing sappy
Something i cant change with all my might
Alone to see them love, and the memories flow
killing a piece of me
but no one will know
For this is how it has to be
Tried to forget
but always compared
can never regret
the bond that we shared
Tries to love again and kills the chance
wishing i was better
watching as my heart is purged by a lance
my own fire burnt my letter
That would tell her what we could have had
but is nothing of worth
she seems happy while i hide the sad
could it have worked if we both went forth
To give it a try and let if fly
not clipping its wings to fly no more
now all i do inside is cry
hiding it from the ones that think its not a lore
falling alone once more
nothing but his laughter of my pain
back to where i belong below the poor
my heart now one big stain
losing its blood so i die
wishing for more, that will never come
not alone in death but that's a lie
my life's note dieing from its strum
the silence falls
its just me here
for me no one will call
dead and alone with naught but a tear
Published 13th Mar 2010
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13th Mar 2010 10:43pm
...a final performance before the heart gives up and all the towers fall save for love. I like this piece, yet somehow it doesn't seem that dark, more fitting for love.
13th Mar 2010 10:48pm
I guess I just put it here because of the inspiration i had for this piece. But now that I think about it I must agree with you...
14th Mar 2010 3:46am
1st Apr 2010 12:13pm
for me the poem feels telly. i think it could do with a t least a few images interlaced throughout the verses.
again for me you could cut away at least half the poem and say the same thing.
lots of redundant phrases.
the flow is also a little jerky. it can be easily sorted out by using the same number of syls in each or each successive sentence. the iambs will often sort themselves out.
write the poem in the same modern English that's commonly spoken. you have a few phrase that could do with being changed.
but is unsure = it's unsure.
For this is how= this is how
with naught but a tear= word of choice instead of naught.
"poetic language" is okay if used in parody or a poem that aims to be olde. in modern language it stops the flow because people tend to read in the modern idiom.
the subject you're writing about is extremely hard to master simply because it's been written about more than most.
always try to be original, if you heard the phrase before it was probably in a similar poem. try not to use it. words like beauty, love, heart, soul, hate and a hundred others should be used very sparingly.
you use love or the derivative of it three times in the 1st verse. and twice more in other places.
you have a good poem, it just needs bringing out. jmo. please don't take anything i say to heart. if you can use it, fine. if not thats also okay.
again for me you could cut away at least half the poem and say the same thing.
lots of redundant phrases.
the flow is also a little jerky. it can be easily sorted out by using the same number of syls in each or each successive sentence. the iambs will often sort themselves out.
write the poem in the same modern English that's commonly spoken. you have a few phrase that could do with being changed.
but is unsure = it's unsure.
For this is how= this is how
with naught but a tear= word of choice instead of naught.
"poetic language" is okay if used in parody or a poem that aims to be olde. in modern language it stops the flow because people tend to read in the modern idiom.
the subject you're writing about is extremely hard to master simply because it's been written about more than most.
always try to be original, if you heard the phrase before it was probably in a similar poem. try not to use it. words like beauty, love, heart, soul, hate and a hundred others should be used very sparingly.
you use love or the derivative of it three times in the 1st verse. and twice more in other places.
you have a good poem, it just needs bringing out. jmo. please don't take anything i say to heart. if you can use it, fine. if not thats also okay.
13th May 2010 11:14pm
I'm not angry or anything with anything that was said I just think that you should know that I made this poem to let my emotions out without it ending in a bad way. Things happened and I needed to let them out and not pine them up in me.
I only posted any of these because a friend said I should and that she would like to see them.
Thank you for the constructive criticism but I'm not a poet I just write a poem here and there.
I only posted any of these because a friend said I should and that she would like to see them.
Thank you for the constructive criticism but I'm not a poet I just write a poem here and there.
