Diversification

My new favorite poem by you. Once again I can picture your words in my head like a movie. i find myself clinging to every word as if im a fiend for your literature. I truly believe you have an incredible talent. I think we should collaborate a poem. a dark stanza and a not-so dark stanza. :) sound like a plan?

We'll see, I'm not too big on collaborations.
Thanks for the great comment.
AlwaysCaliban

How perfect is this title for such a PERFECT Poem! It's good to see some of your ink, for your words are always missed! AWESOME READ! So gifted! Thank you for sharing....

Tara :-) xo

i like the part about cutting with a knife

"Your eyes don't sparkle anymore,
Your turning a interesting shade of blue.
I think I'll keep a souvenier,
Because your my very first. "

My Favorite Part, by far. grat job!

great*

I have a thing for line breaks and i do like these (: also the imagery is crisp and exact nothings wasted

AlwaysCaliban

I stumbled across your poem. It reminded me of Jeff Lindsay's intriguing anti-hero. I believe with a edit it would be a superior read.

Few things caught my eye. I have pointed them out. {hope you don't mind me deconstructing your poem]

S1

'My insides ripped apart and healing.'

Inside has been already used. It could be replaced IMO. Innards?

S2

'becomeing should be becoming

'Darkening' and feel don't seem to work well.
Darkening is a visual phenomenon. It can be
altered to convey the meaning IMO.

S3

'Inside' has been used again. Here the repetition is not adding much to the intense drama. I would suggest the use of a synonym.


S4

..'and loving it.'

Should be 'I am loving it'

S5

'of not giving a fuck...' should be
'being able to not give a,,' [w.r.t the tense]

'How insanity frees your mind.'

This can be made more dramatic IMO.

S7

I want to it to penetrate,

one 'to' [The former] should be removed.

Your very essence clinging
On the edge of my blade,
grinding it home.

{the last line does not convey the meaning well.
How can one 'grind' something 'home'? There is
an expression 'bring something home' but that does not apply here. A little tweak may be is necessary.]

S9

'You looked so shocked,
Didn't think I would do it, huh?'

The whole poem is set is present. Then I don't see any point why these two lines should be set in the past. A little tweak IMO.

and even S10

Well I fucking did it.
Only with this new enhancement
My mind converting me
Into a monster.

[Again, past tense.]

S11

Because there's more like you,

'there's' should be 'there are'.

These were just technical glitched. Other than that I think this is a balanced poem with the right elements.

Thanks for the read.

Happy writing,

Sumeet

I have to say that your comment is insulting even to me. I understand that you are trying to  give your feedback bit breaking down her entire poem and revealing the flaws that you see ( I see none) is distasteful. Maybe just a simple comment saying you enjoyed the poem would suffice.

Awesome your my hero! <3 thanks for defending my honor. If you still want to collaborate on a poem let me know love. Though, I did ask for honest critique, I enjoy a forthcoming commenter.
AlwaysCaliban

Commenting Preference: The author encourages honest critique. That says it all. If as an aspiring writer
one would look forward to comments like 'nice poem'/'good work'/'awesome <3' then there is something called as 'friendly feedback'

There is a line between 'feedback' and 'critique'. This poem asked for the latter. Bitter medicine, I guess. Welcome to Deep Underground Poetry [The HARDER side of poetry]

:)

Wow..first and fore most,THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!...seriously toughen your skin,wheres this darker side your embracing?...it wasnt personal opinion,it was technical suggestions,to help...a million people could tell you they love you unconditionally,great warm and fuzzy feelings will arise,however your writing will not grow an inch... Humble yourself,love your craft,and heed well intended advice (im well aware your thinking im an asshole n such, fine, if you continue to write I bet years from now you ll look back on this an laugh)

And here i hope Sumeet would give me some, you're in luck when Sumeet drops by.

Maybe there is more like you than you think.  And the word "intriguing" near the beginning of the poem is far too weak in relationship to what follows.  But I liked the poem very much, it's consistency, texture, images, especially.  Thank you for sharing this.

marcella1

Your welcome. It was a rush piece. Didn't get the greatest reviews. Please feel free to read more of my work.

You are a morbid child indeed. ;)

I'm a bit torn on this one. I think if you re read it and work on some minor pieces it can be golden