Dead Little Sister

Good morning, Doc
this is really embarrassing
I don't know where to start
They began slowly
but now I'm...
My waters are dirty
my lands are infested
and I'm losing my forests...

Well, let's examine you on the couch
Oh, my
how do they manage to breathe
There must be eight billion
totally out of control

This can be highly contagious, you know
You should have come to me before
I'm afraid it's one of the worst cases
of humans I've ever seen

But don't worry,
if we take action now
we should be able to clear things up
fairly quickly

Your options for treatment are these--
There's the short ice age  
although some of the stubbornest specimens
may survive the cold
and then you'd probably find yourself back here
seeing me again
in a few million years

Or, there's solar therapy
I could arrange for a course
of vigorous flare treatment
We might need one or two goes at that
but most planets usually respond well

It's vital we don't allow them to develop
until they can spread and infect other worlds
You're probably too young to remember
that outbreak on the moon
We don't want you ending up like her

I can write a prescription for solar at once
or if you'd like a second opinion
from a specialist
then God's the person to see--
they tell me he's the best there is
although I should warn you
his appointment schedules
can be daunting
He's always extremely busy