deepundergroundpoetry.com
my cousin, the paper war hero
we used to draw diagrams
and battle plans
of soldiers in combat
using stick men heroes and
rough ink martyrs
he'd do it simply because
it was programmed
by his sergeant father
me?
purely out of an unhealthy
obsession with violence
like a bolt
through the skulls of cattle
I bit chewed and bled
slowly through life
scars to show for it and
the anchor in my head
he married had kids
took life at a gentle pace
one day my cousin went to the shop
with his mother in law
(he was short and not the strongest;
enough attitude to look you in the eye
but no more)
a steroid induced gorilla
charging past the shop
decided to smash my cousin
off the wall and blend him with ease
into the pavement
safe to say his body
was eventually removed
from the very public pavement
but his mind and spirit
departed earlier
no stick man re-enactment
or paper predictions
prepared him for that
it's not just another notch
in my misanthropic bed post
but also a disappointment
humanity at its most
pre-evolutionary
no open casket no justice
just
mourning and paperwork
I hope when his ashes
met the soil
and the tears ran to ash
that what left that pavement
and this earth that day
isn't just
a desperate fantasy
and battle plans
of soldiers in combat
using stick men heroes and
rough ink martyrs
he'd do it simply because
it was programmed
by his sergeant father
me?
purely out of an unhealthy
obsession with violence
like a bolt
through the skulls of cattle
I bit chewed and bled
slowly through life
scars to show for it and
the anchor in my head
he married had kids
took life at a gentle pace
one day my cousin went to the shop
with his mother in law
(he was short and not the strongest;
enough attitude to look you in the eye
but no more)
a steroid induced gorilla
charging past the shop
decided to smash my cousin
off the wall and blend him with ease
into the pavement
safe to say his body
was eventually removed
from the very public pavement
but his mind and spirit
departed earlier
no stick man re-enactment
or paper predictions
prepared him for that
it's not just another notch
in my misanthropic bed post
but also a disappointment
humanity at its most
pre-evolutionary
no open casket no justice
just
mourning and paperwork
I hope when his ashes
met the soil
and the tears ran to ash
that what left that pavement
and this earth that day
isn't just
a desperate fantasy
Published 14th Jun 2012
| Edited 15th Jun 2012
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Anonymous
14th Jun 2012 4:18pm
"Heros" should have an "e" before the "s".
I don't think you need the commas. Because they aren't used consistently they just disrupt the flow.
Also, I think "his body" could be excised from the last verse. It tripped me up as I read because it doesn't fit in with the sentence around it. "And this earth" leads on from "that pavement", so putting "his body" between those clauses confuses the syntax.
This is an excellent poem about childhood, maturity and death. It has an easygoing voice which perfectly suits the material. The narrator reminds me of a line from the film About Schmidt: "I see inside of you a sad man." The violence of lines like "through the skulls of cattle" and what happens to the poor cousin, which is related gracefully (and is all the more horrific as a result), is balanced by the melancholic final verses.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
I don't think you need the commas. Because they aren't used consistently they just disrupt the flow.
Also, I think "his body" could be excised from the last verse. It tripped me up as I read because it doesn't fit in with the sentence around it. "And this earth" leads on from "that pavement", so putting "his body" between those clauses confuses the syntax.
This is an excellent poem about childhood, maturity and death. It has an easygoing voice which perfectly suits the material. The narrator reminds me of a line from the film About Schmidt: "I see inside of you a sad man." The violence of lines like "through the skulls of cattle" and what happens to the poor cousin, which is related gracefully (and is all the more horrific as a result), is balanced by the melancholic final verses.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
Ok thanks, Jack. I have amended, of course. I've not seen many people go against your critique lately, but I'm leaving the semi-colon. :)
"his body" originally wasn't there. I put it there because I thought people might get confused about what left(his spirit).
I've never seen that film, yet, but I'll keep my eyes open(Schmidt is the German name for Smith).
I actually thought the narration was maybe too blunt, so I'm glad you liked it and the rest, cheers, mate.
You're too kind.
"his body" originally wasn't there. I put it there because I thought people might get confused about what left(his spirit).
I've never seen that film, yet, but I'll keep my eyes open(Schmidt is the German name for Smith).
I actually thought the narration was maybe too blunt, so I'm glad you liked it and the rest, cheers, mate.
You're too kind.
Mr A
This is an epic tale of existence in the modern world. This reminded me of Gasper Noe's 'Irreversible' in a strong way. Especially with
reference to existence and violence.
I loved your choice of adjectives as they make the poem more personal and tangible.
Like Jack said, the 'bolt thru the skull' reference was chilling. A great addition to the trait in the narattor.
The whole shop sequence is very powerful. I won't say anymore. The bed post reference again gives it a very personal tone. The same can be said about the penultimate stanza. Well done sir. Very well done.
Respect,
Sumeet
p.s-
'safe to say his body
was eventually removed
from the very public pavement
but his mind and spirit
departed earlier'
Grammatically it should be 'had departed' in the last line IMO.[Past participle form]
This is an epic tale of existence in the modern world. This reminded me of Gasper Noe's 'Irreversible' in a strong way. Especially with
reference to existence and violence.
I loved your choice of adjectives as they make the poem more personal and tangible.
Like Jack said, the 'bolt thru the skull' reference was chilling. A great addition to the trait in the narattor.
The whole shop sequence is very powerful. I won't say anymore. The bed post reference again gives it a very personal tone. The same can be said about the penultimate stanza. Well done sir. Very well done.
Respect,
Sumeet
p.s-
'safe to say his body
was eventually removed
from the very public pavement
but his mind and spirit
departed earlier'
Grammatically it should be 'had departed' in the last line IMO.[Past participle form]
14th Jun 2012 9:14pm
I will give your grammar notification serious thought, thanks.
As always, Sumeet, your praise is overwhelming and your time to dissect, much appreciated.
Second thank you.
As always, Sumeet, your praise is overwhelming and your time to dissect, much appreciated.
Second thank you.
15th Jun 2012 11:32am
s'up man.
I feel the same as Jack. I'ts a great poem of days gone by.
not sure how yourself and Jack missed this but 'use should be used.
we used to draw diagrams
and battle plans
of soldiers in combat
using stick men heroes and
rough ink martyrs
(just a suggestion for replacing the second 'battle' you have)
like a bolt
through the skulls of cattle
(this is a great simile man)
I liked it. good write. fair play.
I feel the same as Jack. I'ts a great poem of days gone by.
not sure how yourself and Jack missed this but 'use should be used.
we used to draw diagrams
and battle plans
of soldiers in combat
using stick men heroes and
rough ink martyrs
(just a suggestion for replacing the second 'battle' you have)
like a bolt
through the skulls of cattle
(this is a great simile man)
I liked it. good write. fair play.
15th Jun 2012 5:45pm
Cheers, Eamon.
I suppose Jack's slipping and I'm a bit lazy but thanks for noticing the 'used' thing, and your suggestion is helpful. I struggled to find a way around the double battle usage.
Thanks for taking your time man.
I suppose Jack's slipping and I'm a bit lazy but thanks for noticing the 'used' thing, and your suggestion is helpful. I struggled to find a way around the double battle usage.
Thanks for taking your time man.
