Amnesia and the taste of pleather

My love notes on your shirt        
grew as sticky        
as the air        
in my wasted lungs        
and the feel of your        
forehead against mine        
scared the shit out of me. again.        
       
angered me. again.        
       
fucked me up in what I        
can only brand as the        
flavor of      
us;      
and our version of love        
is poison in a diet-coke can        
served ice-fucking cold        
       
again.        
       
your warm mouth traced        
hope on my cheek and        
       
fuck that.        
     
I moved with the preternatural        
speed of prey at dusk from        
the spot I’d rooted in your arms        
to hide behind    
anything      
but you      
       
the couch became a weapon,        
my hands dug in the        
worn top of it until        
a vein visibly pulsed        
in my death-white hands        
as my eyes        
blinked fast at the floor        
       
Your tones were those        
used for consoling small children        
and dangerous horses,        
things that were wild        
and irrational        
when spooked        
       
and I was spooked        
enough that the couch        
was my talisman        
against eye contact        
       
Spooked enough I        
couldn’t let go        
long enough to throw        
a knife or coffee cup        
or a bag of fucking onions        
at your face        
       
spooked enough that        
I was sure my knees would        
give out, and you’d hear        
my teeth chatter        
when I fell        
       
god I don’t want to        
fall      
     
       
again        
       
       
please ...      
       
you said my name        
in a voice I expect        
you reserved for me        
and rabid pit bulls        
       
you said it soft enough,        
sweet enough,        
with just enough quaver        
that I looked up        
       
and my stomach ate itself        
       
I sagged,      
tears grabbing my lashes        
       
and you used that        
impossible quickness        
a guy your size        
just shouldn’t have        
to pull me back        
to your solid embrace        
       
and you were tense as you        
drew me close        
expecting me to        
stab you or hit you        
or tear your fucking nose        
off your fucking face        
       
but I couldn’t        
       
not this time        
I couldn't        
     
I couldn’t do anything this time        
but sob in your arms      
my open mouth a near-silent scream        
against the bloody outline        
of the love I drew against you        
       
couldn't do anything but    
stain your white shirt        
with the sharpened        
edge of my heartache        
while you tentatively        
circled me with your arms        
       
and made the shusshing      
noises in my hair        
we’d become so fond of.        
       
our relationship being        
such that        
my breaking        
against your chest        
in a mass of pain and        
ragged edges        
was        
       
normal        
       
my breath hitched        
and I stumbled on incoherency        
because goddamn        
it’s hard to tell you        
to fuck off        
when I’m choking on need        
     
and baby I need you      
       
somehow my hands        
snaked up to your face        
to find hell and redemption        
in the taste of your mouth        
on mine        
       
and I stopped for a moment        
shocked as shit        
that I had the audacity        
       
seriously.        
What the fuck.        
       
but your your hand threaded in my hair        
and your knee worked        
between my thighs        
and I remembered the        
way the couch tasted        
when I came so hard        
I bit the cushion and almost        
blacked out        
       
and I remembered        
the way make-up sex        
use to last    
until my swollen        
lips couldn't        
kiss your face        
(or any other part)      
without wincing,      
and laughing      
       
you lifted me so that        
my legs wrapped        
around your back      
as you lowered me        
on a deathbed        
of cushions        
       
and I remembered        
baby, I remembered      
the way you still feel        
across an ocean