Lack of Women Friends

Spent much of my morning looking at Instagram, seeing other influencers and their brands and of course, comparing their bodies to each other and to my own. That no longer comes from a place of shame anymore. But pure curiosity.

I thought of an influencer that I haven't thought of in a while. Her name is Alyssa Lynch. She was featured in the lyric video Closer by Chainsmokers many years ago. If there was a person who would make the perfect role for Diana Rose, my character, it would be her. Tan skin, dark chocolate hair, mesmerizing eyes, skinny figure.

Just makes me think. I know a few people on her YouTube channel that she later deleted told her how shallow and superficial she was. But then, that makes me question. Is she though? Or does her authentic self just happen to fall in line with any other Instagram model?

People could claim I'm less shallow, but the thing is most people haven't lived my specific life to influence that.

I just watched an interview between her friend and her and earlier, I saw her female friends. Female friends I no longer have. I don't know what it's like to truly relate to women anymore. I don't fit into the specific mold women fall into. The way they are, I am not. Seems like men are more likely to be outcasted, which is why I've only been able to relate to them.

Also, it might be because I stopped knowing how to relate to people in a platonic way. Not that I don't have friends I do that with now. But my life is drastically different from the way it was long ago.

The main women I have in my life are my mother, my sister, my therapist, and my mentor.

I wonder if I will find female friends one day.