No - A Word I Can No Longer Say

I used to be so full of "fuck you"
My heart was passionate,
My mind opinionated.  
Boy, you couldn't tell me shit!
 
The years have gone by,  
And I've grown older.  
Days turned to decades  
Of shutting up and backing down,  
Playing by everyone else's rules
Just to get by.  
 
Nights I've spent screaming and blubbering
Into blackness  
The only time my voice truly finds me
Crawling back on hands and knees
After hours and hours  
Of choking on words unsaid in the daylight.  
 
These days I cannot even scream  
The event of a mismatched fight  
Leaves me anxious and tight  
Holding my breath  
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Another boundary crossed
Another good deed made into a weapon  
 
I stand in the kitchen  
Of my childhood home  
Every emotion chained away deep down
Tears frozen in the back of my throat  
Longing for my younger self to ride in  
Grab my hand  
And hand me a sword  
 
"Come on. It's time to fight back."