Realizing I Don't Have to See Others' Perspectives

Deleted Meetup again. Realizing again that support groups aren't for me. The support group I talked about earlier that was mostly supportive, something just really irked at me today really badly. I had talked about religion last time and said some things that jived with the group or the facilitators at best. They claimed I said I hate atheists and all that. And maybe I did. Maybe I did. But still, I was also clearly talking about the atheists that have hurt me since I was talking about my experiences.

Seriously, no one ever wants to give me the benefit of a doubt. I would never want to be a facilitator because it seems like they favor rules and control over actual empathy. But what do I know right? What do I know?

I was talking about this today in their group, but it didn't seem like they really wanted to see it from my side. So, why? Why on Earth would I want to see it from theirs? I know they said they loved me and all that, but I don't feel it. I feel entirely misunderstood, nitpicked, and judged. I just can't shake that feeling. Can't shake my intuition. I've shaken it for too long, trying to understand other perspectives and never judging others to the point where they want to tell me all their secrets more than others. That tells you that I'm a person of integrity. I always try to do the right thing, but that gets muddled so often. Too often by other people who want to misrepresent my words. That just cuts deep, ya know? It cuts so deep like a knife, I never know if the bleeding will stop.

I think it will stop if I stop. If I stop seeing it from others' perspectives when I have done so all my life to overcompensate for people's mistreatment of me. I could chalk it up to well, this isn't my group. But it seems like it is like this everywhere. Where support groups have that fakeness factor too, and I'm heavily allergic to it. It heavily sickens me. I'm like Mewtwo seeing the bullshit for what it is- empty words of encouragement that don't mean much of anything at all. I always try to be understanding and nice and compassionate. But I wonder how much I'm gaslighting myself just by doing that. No, you shouldn't always be understanding. Sometimes, you should seriously be angry as fuck at this fake world. I shouldn't be understanding to people who want to misjudge me.

I shouldn't be understanding to those who want to harm children without remorse. I shouldn't be so understanding to my mother that I want to save her. Because I can't. There are people who want to be saved and deserve my care, and they are people who just don't. I do not want to be endlessly accommodating. I don't want to bend over backwards to please those who don't matter, those who at the end of the day, probably are not thinking about me and couldn't care less about me. Being nice to someone in a support group is not the same thing as true love. True love is what I seek. Not temporary niceness. Not tolerating me. Not misunderstandings. The friends I have get it so well that I never want to lose them. No, I don't have to be friends with someone who wants to censor me to the point where it's toxic or discouraging. No, I don't have to understand people to the point where it kills me. No, I don't have to apologize. I know my truth, and it's not just my truth. It's simple fact that this world relies on controlling others, and they don't like me because I'm uncontrollable. I'm unstoppable. A lot of people in that same support group did say they struggled with people pleasing hardcore. With me, I genuinely don't. Because something shoots up in my body telling me that this is wrong. That this isn't okay. People favor social niceties than authenticity I've gathered.

And even in the other support group that was less supportive because of one bitchy host, some girl there did appreciate my words and wanted to say something before the host rudely muted her and interrupted her. They would accommodate for someone else, I swear to God. My time just wasn't up. That girl was going to uplift in a situation she knew was so utterly wrong it shook her to her core.

I'm that bitch, that bitch who's actually nice because I don't rely on control tactics to keep someone silent. People don't like Sigma females. They don't like seeing a strong, independent woman being so unapologetically herself. They just don't. Especially not women. I dare to stand up against evil.

And no, fuck being understanding. I'll be the Katness Everdeen everyone hates.