Rules of Perfectionism

Rule 1: Making the slightest mistake is the end of the world.

Rule 2: If I don't drop everything for someone, I am being the most selfish, most cruel person in the world. Or they don't drop everything for me, they are.

Rule 3: The slightest bit of criticism means danger.

Rule 4: Rejection is a blackhole I'll get sucked into.

Rule 5: If someone doesn't accept me perfectly or fit perfectly into what I can tolerate, my world I've tried so hard to build will collapse.

Rewrite 1: Making the slightest mistake got me abused by narcissists in horrific ways. It's okay to cry and fear what will happen if I fail. And it's okay to not trust. It's okay to crumble under the thought under failure. You feel so shut down that you never feel like you do anything right. But you can do things right. In this moment, you may not believe. Your self esteem is still lopsided, unstable because you never can feel secure and it never feels good enough. You're so scared your toxic traits will push others away, your possessiveness, your obsessiveness. You never could get close, you never could afford to just be you. There was only the you who did good for others. I'll just leave at it because your mind is so afraid that nothing positive can even convince you.

Rewrite 2: This is codependency. Extreme form of it. It is not healthy. It's okay to feel angry, so angry that people cannot be there for you perfectly. It's okay to feel crushed by human limitations. It's okay to be so terribly afraid of abandonment, I fear it everyday. Nightmares. Nightmares that all I can be is toxic. That I'm the bad apple. That it's all over from here. That it's all my fault. The only thing I can say that is good about this is my great heart. My heart that pangs for all those who feel this unloved. Even those like my mother. How horrible all of this is... Some people know nothing but toxic love. Communication is key, being more honest with my friends and Josh and everyone in general.

Rewrite 3: I learned this from my mother. She is more sensitive than me even, or I'm just better at hiding it and filing it away. Internally, I am just like her. I think from her, I've learned that others don't deserve to be happy if I'm not. That I don't deserve to be happy if she's not. Oh dear, the manipulation and abuse. Truth be told, I don't take criticism well because I never know if it is well intentioned or well placed or if they're just gaslighting me. And it's okay. It's okay to be sensitive. It's okay to wanna cry. My emotions are pointing to a need for something- a need for reassurance that I'm not being taken advantage of, that someone isn't putting me down on purpose, that someone actually has my best interests at heart.

Rewrite 4: Rejection already feels bad because I was rejected by my family. My half sister doesn't talk to me; she's too normal. My psychotic biological sister relies on too much and is toxic. Then, there's my mother, the only surviving parent left. Emotionally, I am a punching bag. Emotionally, she cannot see me. I am a dead girl walking. Honestly, given what I've been through, I don't have much positivity to share authentically. It's okay to recognize how deprived of love you are and how abandoned and scared you feel. It's okay to recognize that there's so much hurt, it's everywhere. All there is the next right step. Don't worry. Or do what your brain naturally does, but just flow with it. Just accept your brain is doing what it knows best to do. You'll dig your way out, even with tears that fill the whole world. Love is there for you; it's a matter of climbing out of the abyss. You don't have to have hope for the future because you are so hurt you just wanna cry so bad. You just wanna cry at the thought that someone could finally love you. But you have your friends.

Rewrite 5: It's okay for someone to have differing opinions so long as those opinions don't turn into disrespect. You know you're clinging onto your own truth like your life depends on it. You're scared of someone gaslighting you again, manipulating you even if they didn't mean it like Mike or my mom. It still hurts. It still stings. And I cry for all including myself that have toxic traits that prevent them from being loved. It's okay to slowly trust again. It's okay to be so afraid of the end of relationships, to be disappointed by someone not staying because I'm "too toxic" or mentally ill. It's okay to be a broken, beautiful mess. Because maybe the pieces never needed to be put back together. They can fall apart over and over again.