The Nice Girl Persona

I've had to play the nice girl all my life,
never to make a mistake,
always be perfect.
Never be selfish.
Always be selfless.
Even as I'm writing so much about me,
I feel self absorbed.
Obsessed with myself,
and there's still that part of me
that shuns it,
that says, "How dare you!"

Oh,
narcissistic abuse
warps the soul.
It makes black look white
and white look black.

I still feel scared of people's needs and desires and expectations
I cannot live up to.
Perhaps I have too many myself.
Scared that I'll act way too toxic
if left around people for too long.
Scared the mask will slip.
Scared they'll see both a monster
and a broken, beautiful soul.
Part of me still believes I have no inherent goodness,
and part of me knows there's still a human inside of me.
A little girl who wanted to be loved
and doesn't know that she can be loved outside of
what she does for others.

Everyday,
I die to the nice girl persona,
but still, I cling on,
for fear if I let go,
everyone will push me into the abyss,
forever unloved,
forever hated.

My biggest nightmare. My huge, huge fear.

Still, there's this part of me who thinks I must talk about more interesting things on here, more happy things, more knowledgeable things.

I don't have to silence her. She's just trying to please others, but she's also trying to seek more from this life at the same time.

I must, perhaps all my life, remember that I'm special too. That I don't have to shrink myself for others. That I can be, shaking so bad from the fear of being unloved, from the fear of going deep into a dark place, that I can be me and be free.

The world within must be explored before the world out there can be fully searched. Perhaps I will never be interested in the same things everyone else is. Perhaps I cannot pretend to really be interested in others' worlds when it feels like they never really are interested in mine.

I'll always be a nice girl full of genuine empathy, but there will always be that part that wants to please because of my gripping fears. Fear that I cannot show the raw, unfiltered me even though she desperately wants to be heard. Even the "toxic" me. I wanna be safe to express my real emotions, even if a little unhinged, but I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe.

People's needs suffocate me. I don't feel safe.

The nice girl remains, and alone she is, wondering.

When will all of her be accepted by anyone other than me?