Tired of Pretending

Can't pretend that going to Josh's apartment twice uninvited was a good thing in the beginning of this year or me being manipulative in ways that hindered the connection was good. I'm realizing through watching a recent video about Sigma males that really I was in the wrong mostly.

But I knew it came from a fear of abandonment.

If he ever comes back, I wish to tell him how I really feeling, I'm scared he won't.

I've come to understand that I'm not really capable of being loved, and it's not because of behaviors that I'm even trying to choose consciously.

I honestly give up trying to be loved because I know I won't be. All I really have is my art if I'm truly being honest.

I really have no other outlet keeping me from this pain.

I could detach all I want to from the pain, but I know I'm truly in for it.

And it's sad because there's no way I could have or would have chose this for myself. To be so unloved that you feel the need to softly stalk someone twice in hopes of getting away from your abusive mom's.

I really have learned to stop trying and not just in a good detached way. But in a way that knows that love is out of my reach. And I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth.

Don't get me wrong, I have that a mere light of hope at the top of the well, but please don't pretend I truly have more than that.

Hope is not about false predictions but about your actual reality and playing along with the cards you've been dealt with.

I know there's not hope for me like there is for others. I know I'm a lost cause, and I've given up pretending I'm not.

I have given up trying to be anything Josh would want realistically or anyone else for that matter. I give up on their approval and only wish to hold me in a way others can't.