Decisions Need To Be Made

There's a tumor on her spleen, nodules in her lungs, and an even bigger mass than the one they removed two years ago along with her ovaries now pressing on her lower organs and prohibiting proper functions of her bladder and bowel. She called me yesterday asking me to intercede for her and talk to her Dr.        
You gotta understand, my mom is such a control freak, nobody takes charge over her life, especially decisions over her health.        
Yet here I was, the one who was always incompetent and stupid, now making executive decisions over her care.        
It's all so confusing to me on the emotional level, but on the front line against this cancer, I keep my head about me and just do what she's asks of me with the utmost care.        
She has two options, the first being Chemo to try and shrink the tumors, the second is to remove the largest mass off of her uterus and the smaller one attached to her spleen, then a colostomy bag to keep her body from over exertion and give it time to heal.        
So, back to yesterday...        
I showed up thinking it was a tellahealth phone call with her doctor that was planned a week ago, but when I arrived I realized my mom couldn't even think straight, she whispered I need you to be my mouth because I'm too exhausted to speak. She said I was supposed to go in for an office visit but opted for the phone visit because I'm too weak to get dressed.        
This is a new phase, up unto this point she could voice her own plan of care and make decisions about her own health, I looked up at my step dad, who was so pale in appearance, and my attention shifted momentarily to ask if he felt ok? He has long covid, his lugs only function at forty percent, he is supposed to wear oxygen but is as stubborn as my mom when it comes to taking care of himself.        
I said, Allan, put your pulse ox on and check your o2. He fidgets and slides it on his pale skinny finger, as I watch the light flashing fifty-seven.        
Are you kidding me!?! Fifty-seven?        
I ran to the car and grabbed his mobile oxygen, but he would NOT put it on!        
He says, I'm fine...I'll be fine, I just need to rest for a minute and it will go back up.        
I laid it on his lap and insisted he put it on, to which he just would not.        
He's still in his competent mind, so I let him just handle himself however he felt best, but I totally disagreed with him not using something that would most definitely help, but just as he said, as he sat still catching his breath, his o2 climbed back up to 80s. I shifted my attention back towards mom, she said while I was on my way there the Dr called and wanted her to just come in to the emergency room to be re-evaluated. Yes! That's exactly where she needs to be. By this time my grandma, her mom, shows up, she said mom had called her wanting her to come help her. For a moment I was confused, because as I have written of before, my grandma all but seemed to despise her own daughter growing up, beating on her, belittling her, and up unto this very day all but disowning her.  
My mom was never enough for her own mother, so for her to call her and have her there, at this point I just couldn't understand, but also I didn't have time to, as I grabbed moms overnight bag to pack things she was gonna need if they were to keep her (which I'm sure they will) mom told me she couldn't dress herself, this was also new territory.        
With no questions asked on my end, I grabbed clothes from her room as she used what energy she had to get herself to the bathroom, where she sat on the commode waiting on me to dress her.        
When I shut the bathroom door behind me, I noticed her skinny legs, and how little she had become, as she sat there waiting on me and my next move to help her, like a broken helpless child.        
She said sis, we need to change my diaper first, in my mind a state of shock, change her diaper? I'm not ready for this!!! I can't do this!!!        
God, I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep my emotions in tact for this!!!        
As she slid her pajama top off of her boney upper frame, she, out of nowhere joked...look at my boobs! How did they get so saggy? All I can say is God must have a sense of humor, and he definitely knows when to influence it because her statement caused a hiccup in my emotions to laugh when I wanted to break down crying screaming that I can't do this...any of it!        
I said well mom, having kids and old age just has a way of making your knees your natural bra.        
We laughed and finished up getting her dressed.        
After getting everything but her socks on, she got up and slowly made her way back to the living room couch where my grandma and step dad were still waiting.        
As I sat down to put her socks on, she says ok now...Anna, I want you to just go on home, I want mom to go with me to the hospital.        
Umm, excuse me? Was I hearing this correctly? Was her mind still not working properly? There is NO WAY I'm hearing this!      
I just sat there looking at her in confusion, trying to rationalize and process this request.        
I didn't respond immediately, and then it hit me. Here is this child...this broken little girl, still needing her mother's care to feel some type of approval that she is loved by her.        
It was the only thing that made sense, just when I thought my heart couldn't break anymore, my soul crushed under the weight of this realization.      
How heartbreakingly sad, that it takes active death to form a relationship that should have been there all along, and by the way, my grandma can be sort of soft at times, but she is still very crude, and yes that's fine, I understand you mom, but I swear to goodness if that woman escorts you and says one snide remark or negative thing and I hear of it, this will be the last chance she has with you to do whats right as a mother, because I'll break that damn cycle for you! Some things in life just might not be reparable.        
I've seen my mom grow into a soft mother...still mouthy, but soft. Lol      
And I will not tolerate anyone being mean to her.      
I just pray to God that my grandma takes this opportunity that my mom is giving her to say right things, and stop being so dang hard. Her daughter is dying, use this time to be different. Your baby needs you!        
And if you don't, I will absolutely use her granting my bossing papers to make sure she never has to feel inadequate to you again.        
So as everyone loaded up in the car, I respected my mom's wishes and reluctantly stayed behind, and as of late last night Mom called and informed me they were keeping her, and when her Dr comes in today they will decide her plan of care to remove the mass from her uterus. As far as I know everything went well between my grandmother and her, and I better not find out otherwise. I'll be going to the hospital at some point today, I hope mom got rest and pain meds last night, on to the next step in this very hard journey through my mother's cancer.        
  God, I know everything Is in your timing, and in your will, please give everyone grace through this very hard chapter of life, please give mending of hearts and forgiveness and most importantly change.    
Your Servant,    
Anna ❤️