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I might push you away, but it’s easier to imagine that you will let me down than think you won’t.  
My feelings won’t be hurt as much when the inevitable happens.
It’s a special kind of sadness and abandonment that builds these barriers, few people understand it and I’m glad of that.
A therapist said it’s called hyper independence and comes from neglect, how the behaviour stems from a lack of affection, security when a mind is young and developing.
Well meant I think but I can see from the look she gives me the only experience she has of this is from reading a book.
 I don’t want to tell you anything.
 I don’t want you to pretend you feel sad, I hate all of it, especially me.
I tell myself I’m glad when you eventually stop trying, the denial overriding the loneliness I feel inside, manifesting from my childhood and yet still so prominent in my current life.
Me questioning my existence.
 The point and purpose of why I am here whilst feeling so worthless.
How ungrateful I am; I have food, shelter and warmth, so many don’t, I am safe and live a life others dream of.
 It should be enough!
But it’s not.
 I say it out loud it doesn’t matter that you are gone, I preempted it from the second you became something to me.
They always leave.
I try, not let myself believe that you might have stayed, repeat it would have always ended this way.
 It doesn’t take away from the pain.
But I can bury it all the same.