Special

I'm crawling my way out of the dark, but the dark is too thick. Thickened by the lies of this world. That if you push things down far enough, that they'll go away. That those who just wanted to be validated have a victim mentality. That this world was for me.

No, it wasn't, and it's not my fault.

But I still try to find fault within myself for being an outcast.

For not being special for anyone.

I still can't understand why Lenny, my friend I recently blocked, had to say I had a victim mentality just for me saying that I wasn't special to Josh and talking about how it feels to be forgotten. Maybe he has the healthier view, who knows? I don't know. I don't know what's true.

I have no sense of reality because I'm the forever student who needs a teacher, but for once, I want to listen to that inner voice.

For once, I want to give myself compassion.

Even if letting go completely doesn't resonate with me.

Even if I never get over Josh.

Even if I never date again due to the mistreatment of others.

I just want to acknowledge my pain. The deep seated pain of being forgotten and being abandoned. Of not being that special girl to anyone. Not even Josh, who I felt the most love from. His love is strong, but far away. That kind of love is always far away, out of my reach. The love available is usually super abusive. I just got out of an abusive relationship, so that's what I mean.

I don't even want to see Josh ever again, but nonetheless, he's in my mind.

I rather stare at a blank wall and wonder why I could never be special.

I could be special to myself. Hm, that's nice, but I know it's not enough.

But this world has given me no choice but stay alone.

And just wonder why.

My inner child doesn't want false words of hope or to be invalidated for its pain.

It just wants to cry and knows compassion is not out of its reach.

For why people will give me excuses as to why I'm not important.