decision fatigue

Decision fatigue:  
 
it feels like a permanent brain freeze after trying
to inhale too much icecream. Decision making literally hurts, particularly anything open ended.  
 
Small decisions are exhausting but doable.  
Hard decisions are panic attack inducing.  
The small every day things that everyone else  
does feel like looking up at Mt Everest.  
Add in depression and anxiety and you've got a  
recipe for chaos.
 
 
I swore at you in the hardware store
after you tried to bully me into making  
a decision I didn't need to make  
topped with the cherry of insulting  
my previous decisions  
last time we'd tried to do this  
 
I told you if the shelving doesn't work  
it'll be your fault because  
you'd already deemed this project  
to fail before it had begun  
although I didn't say it quite so nicely  
as people stared at us in the checkout line
where I left you to go get some air outside  
 
You yelled at me like I'm oblique on purpose  
and I yelled at you that my inability  
to navigate the vagaries of your decision options  
has less to do with me being an asshole  
and more to with my mental state  
and that if my brain  
is running away from these things  
it's an indication that something is wrong  
not that I'm being a pain in the arse for fun  
 
I cried at the passenger side window  
and you didn't give a shit  
in your mind I'm the indecisive asshole  
in this scenario  
in my mind I'm mental basket case  
that can't even manage the basics of life
 
Because the weight of my life
has become too heavy  
between grief and stress and worry  
between isolation and depression and loneliness
 
And maybe because I've always been  
the one to carry us  
you can't understand why  
I'm stumbling under the weight  
that seemed manageable a year ago  
 
It doesn't matter that it was never  
really manageable
 
I swore at you in the hardware store
I swore at you in the car  
and you yelled at me  
for all the wrong things  
 
I cried myself to sleep  
when we got home at 11am
 
The only time life doesn't want  
anything from me  
is when I'm sleeping