deepundergroundpoetry.com
God at 6:00 o'clock A.M.
Dressed in what they call a long gown,
I had trouble figuring out
front from back, which string to knot
with which, I look like a man who
has buttoned his shirt two holes wrong.
Nevermind — In the umbra
of Radiology, I will not
see anyone not rightfully there.
It is quiet, 6 in the morning quiet.
For company, a sphygmomanometer
that looks like an octopus trying
to climb out of a wire basket,
a weighing scale, cubicles for
prep talks, to dress behind and where
they punch holes into arms for the dye.
I fiddle with a key to a locker
where bag, phone, friends, family are,
there are faint voices from outside.
Sleep peeps in but I wave him away.
Work barges in, pauses,
then sheepishly slips out the door.
Deadlines are insignificant
when there are bigger deadlines:
"Have i done enough, saved enough,
prepared enough? for family? for country?"
The Father is large and in the room.
Being convert and adopted,
I get to ask Him to keep me company,
The CT scan machine is a womb
with the room built around it.
the metal is polished, sheets speckless,
the people a polite blur, busy
around me and later behind
a window, and their business is me.
I feel blessed -- that I can afford
their bothering with my body.
and then sad that many cannot.
I feel that familiar hurt, the ache
of a heart that loves a country.
It is easy to fall asleep, but
the recorded voice startles:
“Inhale, exhale, hold your breath”
I look at the Father and He sees
the beseeching -- that I pray
for the strength and the wherewithal
and the time to do more for country.
The Father smiles, gives me a thumbs up.
I had trouble figuring out
front from back, which string to knot
with which, I look like a man who
has buttoned his shirt two holes wrong.
Nevermind — In the umbra
of Radiology, I will not
see anyone not rightfully there.
It is quiet, 6 in the morning quiet.
For company, a sphygmomanometer
that looks like an octopus trying
to climb out of a wire basket,
a weighing scale, cubicles for
prep talks, to dress behind and where
they punch holes into arms for the dye.
I fiddle with a key to a locker
where bag, phone, friends, family are,
there are faint voices from outside.
Sleep peeps in but I wave him away.
Work barges in, pauses,
then sheepishly slips out the door.
Deadlines are insignificant
when there are bigger deadlines:
"Have i done enough, saved enough,
prepared enough? for family? for country?"
The Father is large and in the room.
Being convert and adopted,
I get to ask Him to keep me company,
The CT scan machine is a womb
with the room built around it.
the metal is polished, sheets speckless,
the people a polite blur, busy
around me and later behind
a window, and their business is me.
I feel blessed -- that I can afford
their bothering with my body.
and then sad that many cannot.
I feel that familiar hurt, the ache
of a heart that loves a country.
It is easy to fall asleep, but
the recorded voice startles:
“Inhale, exhale, hold your breath”
I look at the Father and He sees
the beseeching -- that I pray
for the strength and the wherewithal
and the time to do more for country.
The Father smiles, gives me a thumbs up.
Published 8th Nov 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 3
comments 6
reads 119
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Nov 2024 7:05pm
I love your description of the CT scan. The room Built around it. All of it, a surreal experience I'm sure. Have to take these things in stride. Cheers
9th Nov 2024 00:06am
9th Nov 2024 1:15am
This is a beautiful write filled with thick imagery and a form that's flowing. I particularly enjoyed the enjambments. To honor your request for honest critique, I offer the following:
with which, I look like a man who
has buttoned his shirt two holes wrong.
• S1 would read better if you moved "who" to the next line and deleted "has"
with which, I look like a man
who buttoned his shirt two holes wrong.
It is quiet, 6 in the morning quiet.
For company, a sphygmomanometer
that looks like an octopus trying
to climb out of a wire basket,
a weighing scale, cubicles for
prep talks, to dress behind and where
they punch holes into arms for the dye.
--
• In S2, the consonance of 't' is divine but there's something about ending a good line of poetry with a preposition or adverb ( for, where ). I suggest the following to tighten up the enjambments.
that looks like an octopus
trying to climb out of a wire basket,
a weighing scale, cubicles
for prep talks, to dress behind
where they punch holes into arms
for the dye.
--
I fiddle with a key to a locker
where bag, phone, friends, family are,
there are faint voices from outside.
• "There' seems very week in S3. It may be the preceding comma. I suggest an endstop to L2.
I fiddle with a key to a locker
where bag, phone, friends, family are.
There are faint voices from outside.
--
Sleep peeps in but I wave him away.
Work barges in, pauses,
then sheepishly slips out the door.
• The alliteration and consonance of 's' is fabulous.
--
Deadlines are insignificant
when there are bigger deadlines:
"Have i done enough, saved enough,
prepared enough? for family? for country?"
• If you're going to use proper punctuation, then it should be utilized throughout the poem. The lower case "i" adds nothing here except a question pertaining to a grammatical error. I would also love the question marks after enough and family and replace the latter with a comma for easier flow.
Deadlines are insignificant
when there are bigger deadlines:
"Have I done enough, saved enough,
prepared enough for family? For country?"
--
The Father is large and in the room.
Being convert and adopted,
I get to ask Him to keep me company,
"The Father" I am assuming is God? L2 is a bit confusing. I suggest either changing the tense of convert to converted or precede convert with "a". ( I'll demonstrate the latter below ). I also suggest an end stop after company.
The Father is large and in the room.
Being a convert and adopted,
I get to ask Him to keep me company.
--
The CT scan machine is a womb
with the room built around it.
the metal is polished, sheets speckless,
the people a polite blur, busy
around me and later behind
a window, and their business is me.
• The enjambments are fabulous here. I would remove the comma after window and either hyphenate ( long line ) or use a colon for emphasis:
around me and later behind
a window—their business is me.
--
I feel blessed -- that I can afford
their bothering with my body.
and then sad that many cannot.
I feel that familiar hurt, the ache
of a heart that loves a country.
• This stanza projects the emotion of the poet wrapped in compassion. L1 & 2 need work: The short dashes read more of a nuisance interrupting a sentence than the emphasis you intended. I either suggest removing them or using a semicolon. 'Bothering' sticks out like a sore thumb. How about "to surrender". With the end stop you would no longer need "and" preceding L3. Perhaps replace it with 'however'.
I feel blessed; I can afford
to surrender my body.
However, feel sad many cannot.
I sense that familiar hurt, the ache
of a heart that loves a country.
--
It is easy to fall asleep
but the recorded voice startles:
“Inhale, exhale, hold your breath”
• I would move 'but' to the next line and italicize the quote for emphasis.
--
I look at the Father—
who sees my beseeching
my prayer for strength
and wherewithal, time
to do more for country.
He smiles
gives me a thumbs up.
The last section I tightened up for emphasis and stronger enjambments. You didn't need to use 'The Father' a second time since you've already referenced him. Also, I feel an additional line would truly make a greater impact.
He smiles
gives me a thumbs up.
I vow to wisely use the gift.
I am not suggesting that last line. It needs to come from your heart. I am merely suggesting making the thumbs-up personal.
I typically eschew critiquing such a personal piece; however, I feel it means something to you and it's an excellent piece of poetry that deserves to shine its best.
with which, I look like a man who
has buttoned his shirt two holes wrong.
• S1 would read better if you moved "who" to the next line and deleted "has"
with which, I look like a man
who buttoned his shirt two holes wrong.
It is quiet, 6 in the morning quiet.
For company, a sphygmomanometer
that looks like an octopus trying
to climb out of a wire basket,
a weighing scale, cubicles for
prep talks, to dress behind and where
they punch holes into arms for the dye.
--
• In S2, the consonance of 't' is divine but there's something about ending a good line of poetry with a preposition or adverb ( for, where ). I suggest the following to tighten up the enjambments.
that looks like an octopus
trying to climb out of a wire basket,
a weighing scale, cubicles
for prep talks, to dress behind
where they punch holes into arms
for the dye.
--
I fiddle with a key to a locker
where bag, phone, friends, family are,
there are faint voices from outside.
• "There' seems very week in S3. It may be the preceding comma. I suggest an endstop to L2.
I fiddle with a key to a locker
where bag, phone, friends, family are.
There are faint voices from outside.
--
Sleep peeps in but I wave him away.
Work barges in, pauses,
then sheepishly slips out the door.
• The alliteration and consonance of 's' is fabulous.
--
Deadlines are insignificant
when there are bigger deadlines:
"Have i done enough, saved enough,
prepared enough? for family? for country?"
• If you're going to use proper punctuation, then it should be utilized throughout the poem. The lower case "i" adds nothing here except a question pertaining to a grammatical error. I would also love the question marks after enough and family and replace the latter with a comma for easier flow.
Deadlines are insignificant
when there are bigger deadlines:
"Have I done enough, saved enough,
prepared enough for family? For country?"
--
The Father is large and in the room.
Being convert and adopted,
I get to ask Him to keep me company,
"The Father" I am assuming is God? L2 is a bit confusing. I suggest either changing the tense of convert to converted or precede convert with "a". ( I'll demonstrate the latter below ). I also suggest an end stop after company.
The Father is large and in the room.
Being a convert and adopted,
I get to ask Him to keep me company.
--
The CT scan machine is a womb
with the room built around it.
the metal is polished, sheets speckless,
the people a polite blur, busy
around me and later behind
a window, and their business is me.
• The enjambments are fabulous here. I would remove the comma after window and either hyphenate ( long line ) or use a colon for emphasis:
around me and later behind
a window—their business is me.
--
I feel blessed -- that I can afford
their bothering with my body.
and then sad that many cannot.
I feel that familiar hurt, the ache
of a heart that loves a country.
• This stanza projects the emotion of the poet wrapped in compassion. L1 & 2 need work: The short dashes read more of a nuisance interrupting a sentence than the emphasis you intended. I either suggest removing them or using a semicolon. 'Bothering' sticks out like a sore thumb. How about "to surrender". With the end stop you would no longer need "and" preceding L3. Perhaps replace it with 'however'.
I feel blessed; I can afford
to surrender my body.
However, feel sad many cannot.
I sense that familiar hurt, the ache
of a heart that loves a country.
--
It is easy to fall asleep
but the recorded voice startles:
“Inhale, exhale, hold your breath”
• I would move 'but' to the next line and italicize the quote for emphasis.
--
I look at the Father—
who sees my beseeching
my prayer for strength
and wherewithal, time
to do more for country.
He smiles
gives me a thumbs up.
The last section I tightened up for emphasis and stronger enjambments. You didn't need to use 'The Father' a second time since you've already referenced him. Also, I feel an additional line would truly make a greater impact.
He smiles
gives me a thumbs up.
I vow to wisely use the gift.
I am not suggesting that last line. It needs to come from your heart. I am merely suggesting making the thumbs-up personal.
I typically eschew critiquing such a personal piece; however, I feel it means something to you and it's an excellent piece of poetry that deserves to shine its best.
17th Dec 2024 6:20pm
I have not visited in a while and am pleasantly surprised with your advice. Thank you very much. A lot of work went into it.
It is a work in progress, and I will work on it soon.
Thank you!
It is a work in progress, and I will work on it soon.
Thank you!
Gut punch. Not even remotely ready to comment, but will soon. Promise. Brilliant, needs work, brilliant, omg. Whoosh.
I leave for Honolulu April 20th, if not sooner. Love you, my brother. Finally coming up for air. More to follow.
I have turned 80 since last we spoke.
I leave for Honolulu April 20th, if not sooner. Love you, my brother. Finally coming up for air. More to follow.
I have turned 80 since last we spoke.
25th Jan 2025 11:46am
