Meandering

It's that emptiness.
That despair.
The fear that I'm good.
At anything.

Nothing contradicts my self esteem.

Even though the proof is right in front of me.
But, I'm ignorant.
With indecipherable.
Emotions.
Thoughts.
And, other
tangential things.

All that's in here is a disconnected inchoate mass of confusion.
That crystalizes into something that makes sense.
Against my will.
And, I write these sacred sigils as I play with.
Words.
That makes

An entire universe.

Of psychosis and the mania that the delusions are true.
The complicated mythologies in my mind merging with reality.
I've written so many cut rate movie scenes, so much useless dialogue.
Given you all majestic things to say.
I've saved the day.
I've killed them all.

Routinely,
I've stood there on a stage leading a violent belligerent mob.
Traversing an apocalyptic waste land.
Living in the ruins of a nuclear strike.
Zombies.
The skies burning in deep orange and red hues as the oxygen burns.
Witnessing great calamity.

And, it  disappears when reality sets in.
And, I'd rather reside in those fantastical ephemera.
And, baby, I've thought so often about what I thought you are.

I realized.

 it was a fantasy.

Now, I can't disconnect the days from the daze.
A dream for a memory.
And, I can't remember.
Large swathes of my life.
Years, days, months, the events.

I deal in right now.
And, shoot up the immediate.
There is no  narrative to my life.
Just, it's today.

Act appropriately.

Tenuous grasp on reality.
With no memory to show me the errors of my ways.
I just disassociate into
spooky
creepy
wrathful things.
That burn with a fervent ecstasy.
Curing me with age.
Now, I'm cured.
So I won't spoil
.
Sometimes
I see patterns in otherwise vacant things that have secret messages for me.
You're gonna do something Nolan.
You're gonna be something Nolan.
You're important.
You have a divine destiny full of
achievement
and other atrophied ideas.

Repetitive motions deleterious ramblings.
An active mind far too animated.
To notice things.
Like a hallucination.
Or a wrong belief.
About reality.

So I just swim in the
necessary condition of dealing with
the day to day.

Meandering