a n i m a l s

So I read this, and I have commentary, but I have to walk away and think about it, read it a few more times, and then decide what I want to say. Because I don't. (That is SO COOL!)

I didn't want to just not comment, you know, but this isn't really a comment. Will be back.

Good poetry makes you want to think, it shakes you up and disturbs you a little, don't you think?

Betty

Thank you. Really appreciate this.

And this is one of those writes which might
use some. So I will wait. Patience is a virtue,
always.

Respect,

Sumeet

OK. I thought. Now I'm back.

The end was so badass. cold and dead and delicious    
Yes.

I struggle against the freedom from punctuation, but I do respect its validity. (Some of the greats pissed on punctuation.)

Your images don’t bleed into each other in a comfortable manner. I also don’t know about the way you set it up. It's a structure thing, not a content thing. The content was great.

The distain for the pin-striped whores is out of set. She/they aren’t mentioned again, it’s all about the kids, the animals, the listless, hopelessness  and the metaphor. Stay clean in the single image. I’d recommend deleting she/them, or putting a slobbering brat in her arms to tie in the image. Actually, just take her/them out and make them a new poem, do a zoo series, yay!

I also felt like there were areas of redundancy, which made places drag. You have such startling, stunning, glorious combos, that you should always stay clean, and keep the lines terse so those images can explode off the page. In my opinion. (And I’m new and don’t know your work that well, so I could be blowing smoke up my own butt.)

    
I was at the zoo today    
to see the animals
with a bunch of kids
-around twelve of them-
more like a whole bus
they were not my own    
not that I don't like kids    
I love kids, of course    
but from a distance.

(I think you need a total rewrite of the stz to keep it, so this is what it looks like sans pinstriped ‘ho.)

They were a loud lot  
hyperkinetic-jubilant    
walking-running-screaming-giggling    
moving in and around    
in circles hardly affected  
by their own state of being perpetually  
lost inside the maze of cages    
    
***
(and with it)

I was at the zoo today    
to see the animals
with a bunch of kids
around twelve of them-
more like a whole bus
    
they were not my own    
not that I don't like kids    
I love kids, of course    
but from a distance

(pinstripe, one word)
like those whores in pinstripes with    
Chanel 23-Maybeline-gawdy snakeskin purse    
all counterfeit-glitzy in the neonflood  
those fancy women you like to  
glance upon for a minute or so  
till your eyes find something  
more exciting-worthwhile with  
enough blood having traveled    
down your body
  
They were a loud lot  
those kids-hyperkinetic-jubilant    
walking-running-screaming-giggling    
They moved in and around    
in circles-unsure yet hardly affected  
by their own state of being perpetually  
lost inside the maze of cages    
    
***

maybe they liked    
being lost    (Beautiful. It reads so quietly in my head.)  

unfazed    
they invented new games    
which was conducive in the setting    
proactive little bastards    
 
the gloomy gibbons laughed at them    (So clever, but is it too clever? I’d keep first reference and then go back to standard verbiage)    
when they screamed and waved and jumped    
    
but when I tried to wave at the smelly apes    
the alpha male made a sound     (I think you should differentiate here. Why is it such an insult? I added in the alpha male to see what it looked like.)
that sounded like a lone wet fart    
    
that said it all about    
my day, my life and me     (YES! Again, clean, lovely.)
    
Listless I followed the thong-     (This entire stz is exhausting to read)
full of verve-voice    
a vortex of innocent energy    
into which I got sapped    
every now and then only to be ejected    
a stillborn-a dead body-a swollen appendix     (However, this image is AMAZING)
    
Even the kids rejected me     (and it picks up here)
just like the melancholic monkeys    
and the solitary rhinos-probably wounded    
standing erect-unmoving like installations    (and by here it’s redundant)  
and the dull python coiled like a curse    
that has lost its potency    
    
An hour later amidst     (and it picks back up here and really kicks ass)
onion rings, chicken nuggets with preservatives    
and meaningful laughter    
the youngest of the group came to me    
and asked me in her tiny glassy voice    
if I needed a tissue    
    
In an instant     (Consider deleting the ‘in an instant’ it’s not necessary. Just throw the cranes at us.)
a couple of cranes started a violent war    
swooping-diving-fluttering-screaming    
    
for the first time    
the group was scared-affected    
the little girl stood    
her eyes unmoving-rheumy    
    
The cranes kept at it    
probably two males fighting over a she    
large beaks-talons    
two metre wide wings around each other    
    
That's right-I thought-    
life would get to you in the end    
smiling-relishing the cold blasts of wind    
from those wild flurry of wings    
munching a crispy chicken breast    
cold and dead and delicious     (LOVE it!)

What a wild ride. So disturbing and so apt.

I think I had structure issues. The writing is solid, the imagery is fantastic, it’s just a few things in the structure that mess with me.

Good read!

Happy writing,
Betty
    
    

Betty

Thank you a million.:)

For everything you said.

I 'hated' pinstripe ho'. It had just crept up.
Killed and dumped. Alpha male is very good. IMO.
I will wait a while.

In the second half yes, there are places where things don't seem right. I will come back to it later. A better frame of mind is imperative.

This is one of the most memorable feedbacks.

Can't thank you enough. For some reason this
write is different than others. So your help
was very special. :)

Genuine appreciation,

Sumeet

Summeet, I think this poem could be really great. I love some of the imagery, dry and humourous, and full of your wonderful descriptions.

The poem starts off a little like a rant, which could be cut down to hit the reader with the best bits, as opposed to trying to get through the ramble. Great concept, could just be a lot tighter IMHO.

Peace, Indie

Indie

Thank you for the read and feedback. I agree with you. The initial idea was to get some opinion on
it from a few people before posting it, but then
this is as good as that.

Glad you liked the idea. Honestly it was a spur
of the moment thing and hence needs rework.

Will snap and slice.

Sumeet