an anti-vigil for you

I thought your death
would feel like freedom
but it doesn't
I still hold your secrets
things I shouldn't know
things I shouldn't have seen
but found anyway
the actions and words
between the lines

Nothing ever said outright

I can't remedy the love and hate
that swing like a pendulum
for your in my heart

I know what it means
to love a monster
but I don't know how
to explain it

There's so little good
to hold on to
but we find it anyway
because memory is funny
that way

And as with every with you
it holds a double edge

I was your fix-it child
fix your TV
your computer
your phone

Perhaps it's funny
that I both love and hate
to be used

I only ever had value
when I was doing
and I wonder if that's why
I've only spilled a teaspoon
of tears for you

I never had any value
in just being
my opinions never mattered
my feelings even less

You taught me how to be a liar
how to keep myself close
how to not show anything
that even looked a little bit
like weakness

And now it's little wonder
that I lie like I breathe
tiny dishonesties
no one cares to notice
(not even me)

It took you 38 years
to tell me you love me
and I remember the day
with complete clarity
because I never thought
I would ever hear those words
slip from your lips
and even now
I don't know what
to make of them

I don't know why I love you
there's no logic to the way
my heart mourns you
when I've been waiting
for so long
for you to be gone

I don't miss you
but I observe you in the aftermath
and while everyone grieves you
I keep your secrets
because unlike you
I can't bear to add more hurt
to the people I love

There's no freedom here