Dear Better Half

If you could see what im trying to show you...      
When I look at you, I actually cry, I cry inside because you think you don't make me happy.      
I'm screaming how I love you over the chaos of this war on myself that you did not start, yet all you reap is my tears and misunderstanding.      
If I could do it all over, I would've done it better...all of it.      
If I could've seen my blessings in the future while stuck in an abusive parent situation as a child..I would've tried harder and instead of hating myself because she spewed hatred at me, I wouldve loved myself...and her, with the perspective that it wouldn't always be this way.      
I forgive her, I love her.
She's never heard those words from her own mother, and I understand that hurt.
I don't want pity...      
I want to get it right.      
My daughter knows love.
Anyways, I would've tried harder to hold forgiveness live time, like I do now, so that when offenses came, I was equipped to shoulder it and let it roll off, so it wouldn't effect who I know I am in my heart in the present.      
I'm sorry you were left with this shit of a person, to glue pieces to hold back the broken that you yourself did not break.      
If you give me the chance and time, I'll prove to you I can swing this sword and never hurt a soul, but cut down this barrier that holds so much love and understanding now.      
It took the war to gain this ironically.      
Sometimes I wonder if you have someone else, cause honestly I wouldn't blame you if you did.     
Honestly I pray most times that God would just take me so you can have someone who's capable.      
I don't know how to put down this hatred for myself.      
I don't want pity...      
I'm just speaking the raw truth.      
I know everyone makes mistakes, I know we are all human, but I don't know if I'm able to ever be "normal"      
Yet I look at you, our children, and I see normal.      
I'm proud of that, not in an arrogant way, but in a thankful to God way.      
I would fight this war all over if I had to, just to see the smiles on your faces, and the way our children love.      
There's not a room in this house that hasn't absorbed the constant I love yous that have been said to each other around here through the years.      
So, in that sense, the smiling while I'm dying inside has been worth it.      
I never laid a hand on my children, determined to break cycles.      
I give God all glory for the strength to do so, but now, with my children grown, I look at myself and am faced with a continuing battle, how do I heal the little girl in me so I can be the woman that you need?      
Just know I'm trying...      
I love you my husband ♥