aftermath

I feel everything too intensely
in the aftermath of grief
I'm an unexploded bomb
until I'm not
and then I'm hellfire
and resentment
and a lack of apologies

My doctor told me
to not cut people out
after I told him what I really want
is for everyone
to take their pushy sympathy
and fuck off

I've stopped answering phone calls
I've stopped replying to texts
I've allowed myself to see
two people this week
and they both twisted
long buried knives
I forgot I hadn't removed
from my soul

In the aftermath of grief
why would I want to add more pain
to my aching everything
with the careless words
of people who say they love me
but can't remember to be kind
when my face isn't dripping with tears

I feel everything too intensely
in the aftermath of grief
I'm an unexploded bomb

I don't have the strength
to defend myself
I don't have the strength
to be brave and hold myself up
I don't have the strength
to be vulnerable in front of those
waiting for me to collapse

I don't have the strength
to do anything but breathe