Grime

Why do we do that to ourselves? Delay what must be done when it seems daunting...only to complete it & sit back kicking ourselves for putting it off.

Yep… but I think my problem of late is I just don’t care. I didn’t care about myself, the house, the situation because I don’t want to face any of it. I’ve been in a little self imposed bubble of grief. So everything has felt daunting. And I’ve been knackered. My physicality has been kicking my ass.

I’m glad I did it today, and it was a positive thing, but again, I’m knackered. And it’s just so draining.

I think I’m just exhausted after the last few years… not sure what to do about that.

-M

I like to take my time commenting with you. We all go through the I don't give a shit stage. I have multiple times. Those women who you seen yourself in and gave you the umph to move it what we all need.  Not them perse put what they motivated you to do. Very moving piece. Fia xoxo

Hi Fia.

Yep, we all go through stages of not giving a shit, I agree. Mine just seems to be lasting an extraordinarily long time. I’m just pretty fucking exhausted in all honesty. Trying to come to terms with chronic illness and lots of other atomic bombs has just depleted me completely. I just feel like I don’t have anything left to give.

I love those women. They’ve been in my life for the last seven years and they are pretty much my entire being and purpose. Everyone needs a cheering squad and thank fuck they are mine. I guess we all need good people in our lives from time to time. Thank god they’re a beacon of hope.

““In the middle of the journey of our life, I came to myself in a dark wood, for the straight way was lost.” - Dante

-M

I think a lot of the stuff we're "supposed" to care about is bullshit. Tidiness and appearances and productivity... ugh. And grief makes everything exhausting. I think it's ok to lie fallow once in a while.

It's great when something does spark you to life, though - even just for one task. I'm glad you have an amazing support tribe to remind you to at least care for yourself. I love how this incredibly relatable story of depression ends with hope...

Go easy on yourself.

❤️k

Somebody close to me once used the term “grief nesting” and I don’t think anything has ever been more accurate. Ie/ they can tell my mental state by the state of the environment around me, and I don’t think anything has ever been truer. Sometimes the outside world reflects the inside world. And yeah… although society has ingrained in us that we must be productive and we must be presentable and we must be palatable… I’m not. I’m a fucking mess. I’m not looking after myself. I’m not a sugar coated happy positivity quote.

I’m broken. Sometimes I’m an outright ball of snot. I’m vulnerable, and I’m not ok. And I guess sometimes it needs people to say that out loud so the pattern doesn’t continue in the world. That people see that it’s ok to admit I have high functioning anxiety. That the pressure of being social media perfect isn’t necessary.

That’s not to say that there isn’t some light in there too, because there is. But holy fuck. I’m drained. My battery isn’t even charged. It’s fkn corroded. And I’m learning that’s alright to say too.

Thank you for dropping in. Appreciate you.

-M