you throw down the gauntlet

You throw down the gauntlet  
and I meet you with silence  
as I drench myself in  
the bitter coldness  
of self protection  
 
I drown you out  
scramble to armour myself  
start looking for an exit  
 
I don't know if I want to punish you  
or if I want to punish myself  
 
I want  
perhaps more than anything  
to go back to before this fight  
before this week  
this month  
this year  
this whole fucking decade  
and unmake you from my heart  
 
Because I'm tired  
of trying to keep myself small  
and comfortable and free of fire  
 
You used to like my fire  
 
You throw down the gauntlet  
and I meet you with silence  
bury my fire inside  
because if I don't  
I will set everything alight  
and I'm not quite ready  
to breathe into the spark  
that will destroy everything  
 
I wait for you  
to make the next move for me