Role Model

I thought of something just now. That someday, I’m going to be a music artist one day, and I will be influencing others.
 
And I’m curious what people will think of me. Will they look to me as a role model? Someone to truly imitate? Someone to truly look up to?
 
I honestly have a gripe with that word.
 
I don’t want to be considered a role model at all. I notice that I want to avoid that word to describe myself. Because all my life, I’ve thought of myself as the devil. I am not a saint nor an angel, I’ll guarantee you that.
 
If that’s what people are wanting, they’ve followed the wrong person.
 
Sadly, because of my trauma, it would be hard to let that word sink in without jumping to “Okay, how can I be perfect at all times and never screw up?”
 
I know that’s not what a role model really is. But still.
 
My brain would go to very weird places if I was referred to as a role model.
 
Someone being inspired by me is one thing, but someone saying I’m a role model is…quite another. It makes me want to hide in my room and never come out.
 
I remember my friend implying a while back that he didn’t really support my dream. I don’t know what I said exactly, granted, and I’m not going to go back through old texts to find it.
 
But him saying that he’d get people personally to stop what I was doing felt…absolutely horrible.
 
It’s no mystery as to why I don’t try to engage with this particular friend much. Makes me question a lot of things.
 
And it just makes me plain sad.
 
I hope people can one day see that role model doesn’t have to fit a cookie cutter definition.
 
And I hope one day to reclaim the power myself and redefine it.