Sin Rooms Chapter 17 Birth

 Date: sometime in 1995

“Hi, Mom” I said. “I’m really sorry Mom. I think I fucked up.”
 
The grass had grown all over her gravestone. I cleaned it up, pulling away the extra growth and wiping away the dirt that formed a layer of dark muck on the white marble. I tried to clean the headstone as much as I could until it was almost as bright as when we buried her that dark day. I was furious knowing we had been paying the caretakers to keep her grave clean and to put new flowers every month. There were no flowers, and the place was as dirty as a derelict wreck.
 
After I finished cleaning up I continued, “Sorry I haven’t been here for some time.” It had been a while since I came to Lebanon. It’s the place where my mother was born, and where she eventually died in that tragic incident more than eight years earlier.
 
“Sorry, I came by myself this time,” I tried to apologize once again on behalf of my entire family. We used to visit every year however since I went to college in London our visits were cut short. Our memories were also starting to fade. I guess people tend to forget the dead as time passes by.  
 
“Many things have happened since I last visited you.” I don’t know why I was talking to the dead. They say they hear you. I don’t know if that is true or not and I did not care. I just wanted to tell someone what I did.  My mother was the only one who used to listen to me without judging. Maybe she would be able to forgive me or find someone who could. I don’t know if anyone can.  
 
“Well, I came here to tell you your son is finally married?” I guess I had to start with that. “And you are a grandma. Isn’t that great?” I guess that’s great. So why was I not feeling great?! I was as miserable as hell. I needed someone to confess what I had done and obviously the first one on my mind was my mom. Well, she was dead. So it was easier for me to talk to her than to talk to the living.
 
“Confession!!!” Well, now that’s a great concept when you come to think about it. You do something bad then you go running to someone to blabber your heart out until you believe all is forgiven. I can understand how many religions and faiths have been using the concept of “confessions” to keep their disciples coming back. It’s a great marketing gimmick.  
 
“COME ON IN, CONFESS YOUR SINS, STAY WITH US, YOU WILL BE HAPPY.”  
 
So why was I not?!
 
“Guess who your new daughter-in-law is?” I continued with my confession. “Oh yes.. It is Claire. You know Claire… Of course you know Claire… You’ve known Claire since she was a baby…I guess you already knew that we would eventually become a pair… You all did… The whole family did….didn’t you?” I guess everyone did except myself. “Oh… no …no… I don’t regret Claire… As a matter of fact I love Claire. She’s my best friend. I’ve loved Claire since I was four. No regrets there…” So why was I regretting my decisions already?!
 
As I was starting my confessing in front of my mother’s grave, a ruffled little bird flew in out of no where and landed on the headstone. The winged creature looked at me as if she wanted to get in on my confession. I guess it was a she. The shees are usually the curious bunch. We hees don’t care much about details. At first I wanted to shoo her away, but she stood her ground waiting for me to continue with my story. So I continued my confession to the two of them. Maybe one of them might be able to forgive me or find some bird who can.
 
“I think I fucked up Mom,” I started with the confession. “No… let me rephrase that, I think I fucked up a gal who’s not my wife.” Now that was easier than I thought. I guess once you start one of those confession things it gets easier as it progresses. “Well, it all began more than a year ago. The day I fucked up the relationship with the girl I fucked up who isn’t my fucking wife. Sorry. I hope I didn’t loose you there.”
 
The little she bird ruffled it’s feathers again and moved it’s head as if she didn’t believe me. “Don’t you dare give me that look either,” I yelled at her but she kept twisting her head looking at me like all birds do… in disgust. Then it launched herself in the air for a few seconds before landing back where it had been resting earlier. “So you want to know more, do you?” Yup. I was talking to a fucking bird.
 
“Well, as I said, I knew a girl. We were friends. I guess we were more than friends. Unfortunately that girl decided she wanted to pursue a career in the sex therapy and entertainment business if you know what I mean…. Well, it all ended with me storming out of her life into the arms of another….”
 
“Will you marry me Claire” I proposed and she was ecstatic. Well, not exactly. It did take a few weeks for her to make up her mind. Not that she didn’t love me. She did. She was making sure I knew what I was getting myself into. Of course I didn’t. What moron knows what married life is going to look like before they go into it for the first time. That was me. I jumped without thinking. No. I jumped because I didn’t want to think. All I wanted was to get out of my old life which I thought was weighing heavily on me. I thought maybe if I went in another direction everything will turn out for the better.  
 
“You’re going to be dad, Sam” a couple of months later Claire surprised me with that. Of course I was ecstatic. For her that is. I knew how much she wanted to have kids. We ended up having seven. But the first was the most difficult one to get by. Not that I didn’t want it. It is just that I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do with it. London was not the place to raise a kid. And Claire hated this city. She stayed because I wanted to stay. I was also finishing my masters degree in business Management. However I knew how much this city was taking a toll on her. I knew because she cried every night when she thought I was not listening. So I had to do something about it and change the direction of my life like I always do. For her sake as well as for mine.
 
“After you give birth to our daughter we are going back home,” I was holding Claire in my arms after we made love that night. She just broke down and cried like she always does.
 
“Thank you,” she said after she gave me one of the most sensual kisses I have ever received in my life. I can still taste it to this day. That’s when I knew I will always try to make this woman happy till the day I die. I still do. Or try to do.
 
“Another false alarm?” I asked the nurse at the hospital. That was our third visit to the pregnancy ward.  
 
“She still has a few weeks of this,” the nurse explained. “It’s unusual for the first baby to come so early. Usually the mother finishes her term till the end.” She was kicking us out of her crowded ward. “Go home and have your wife get some rest.”
 
The bird ruffled its feathers upon hearing this. I wasn’t sure it liked me, but it wanted to hear the rest of story. I still haven’t told her how I screwed up yet. I was getting there…
 
I took Claire home that night then I went to the library to finish studying for my final exam. I don’t know how I ended up sitting in the same chair at the same library where I met Danielle a few years earlier. I was alone that night. That was where everything started. I don’t know why all those memories came flooding into my mind that night. I was thinking of another woman while my wife was sitting at home getting ready to have our first child anytime soon. I just thought that this was also the last time I was going to sit in this chair in this library. A few weeks from now we were going to leave London. A city I grew to love, for a girl I’ve always loved, running from a girl I don’t know why I loved. I don’t know why I did what I did. Maybe it was closure? I don’t know…
 
“Hi,” I said. She just looked at me not knowing if she wanted to let me into her flat or not. Eventually she opened the door and in I went.  
 
“What brings you here Sam?” Danielle asked as she went into the kitchen to make some tea. When Danielle makes tea it is usually because she wants to get her mind off of things. A lot of her ideas come about while she sits and sips her tea. I figured I was screwed.
 
“I just came to say goodbye.” I said. “I’m leaving London next month.”
 
Danielle just looked at me without saying a word. She held her hot cup of tea in her hands trying to come up with some clever line to say. “I thought we already said goodbye.” Damn that was better than I thought.
 
I had to reply. I just didn’t know how. “Claire and I are going back home.” As I said I don’t know why I was telling her all that. I haven’t seen Danielle for more than a year. So why was I telling her about Claire and me.
 
Danielle surprised me by asking about Claire, “how is your wife by the way?” I haven’t seen Danielle since Claire and I got married. I don’t even remember telling her Claire and I were ever married. She must have known somehow.
 
“Claire is fine,” I replied. “We are having a baby next week.” That’s when that drop of tea went down where it wasn’t supposed to go. Danielle coughed it out and a few drops went spraying out of her mouth on to that stained carpet once again. That carpet really hates me.  
 
“Bbabyyyy?!” She tried to spell that word out. “Well, congratulations Sam. I’m sure you’ll be a great father.” Was Danielle trying to make fun of me? Of course she was. I deserved it.
 
I just stood up and walked to the door. I knew I shouldn’t have come here. As I was turning to give my best friend one final goodbye peck our cheeks brushed and I almost fainted. I looked into her eyes and said, “I am sorry.” I don’t know why I said that either. It was a genuine regret and a final apology for everything that I did. Maybe… I don’t know. I don’t know how long that stare lasted as I was standing at Danielle door. I don’t know how our lips met either. I don’t know how I pinned her to that door showering her with more kisses, tearing open her blouse to get to her breasts. I don't know… I don’t know why she even let me do all that. I don’t know how I ended up fucking her on the floor of her apartment. I still can’t remember …. But one thing for sure, we both believed this was the last time we were ever going to see each other again…. So we fucked up. I guess we both fucked up…
 
“Now you see how I fucked up mom?” I finished my confession to my dead mother and that bird on her headstone. “I hope you two can forgive me …”