Heal

Heal

I thought about something yesterday. I imagined a situation in which someone's bad mouthing me on my YouTube channel and me coming up with a defense. I do this a lot. Imagining scenarios that don't exist yet. I'm
secretly worried about being found to be a fake and a fraud.

I imagine myself saying that I want everyone to find happiness and self-worth. Even the “bad people.” Even the people who personally took my soul and threw it in the garbage.

To me, anyone with the right circumstances has that capability. I have thought about that often. Because I have spent my entire life wondering if I'm a good person. Particularly after my dad died and I kind of felt…nothing. This all happened when I was 16, and of course, the most beloved teen leadership teacher had to look at me like I was a psychopath and tell me “You don't care.” Way to go telling me all this at such a vulnerable time. How lovely of you.

I also didn't feel anything when my grandmother died. I was around the age of 21 then. Guess I wasn't as close to my family as I thought. And to be fair, I found out two years later that my father might have groomed me when I was young. Doesn’t surprise me really. I always viewed him as a selfish bastard. Something I'm trying not to be myself.

I would love everyone to find healing, but sadly, not everyone will. Some people at a certain point think they've done too many terrible things to be loved. And I just refuse to believe that it's too late for them to improve their outlook on life and themselves.

In their mind though, time is up.