Together Yet Apart

As I'm moving on from the fuck boi who pretended to love me in the past, I wonder about the future and who's truly meant to be in my life next. I've been stuck on a lie for 8 years and am now wondering what truth would feel like.

If it's anything like what I thought I experienced in the past except based on true love instead of lust, I bet it would be amazing. More than I've ever had in my entire life.

But I wonder also how living with them would work.

Surely, it'd be fine, right?

But in the back of my mind, my trauma pops up and screams, "Bad idea! Bad idea!"

For most of my life including up to this point, I've lived with my belittling mom. For 6 months, I've lived once with a boyfriend and his parents. And as you could imagine, that was an even worse situation. Especially with his perfectionistic, controlling mother. Who would always complain about everything I did and made me feel like nothing was ever good enough. Of course, my boyfriend at the time had to take her side and considered me irrational for not conforming to her silly expectations.

Yeah, sorry, I should not be killed over putting two separate sandwiches in TWO separate zip lock bags... Jesus fucking Christ, give me a God damn break!

At least my mom's obligated to love me. Sheesh.

Rather live in an pig sty house with my mom than a perfect looking house with a garbage mother-in-law.

Yeah, no thanks. Never again.

But surely, surely, if I lived with a boyfriend alone, things would be different, I hope?

Because trauma wants me to never let anyone in...

Never to see how hard it is for me to keep up with ordinary things and actually function.

It's easy to love them from afar, never letting them fully into my world.

My world of constantly feeling stupid for everything I do and never feeling anything will ever be enough...