Reaching Out To The Darkness pt. 1

Yes, you have my attention
You have had my attention for the better part of my life
I have gone from being so grateful that you exist
To wanting nothing more than for you to be gone

I have gone from so thankful that you saved my life
To blaming you for everything that has gone wrong

I guess I've never really looked at things from your perspective
I've never stopped and thought about what you had to endure

You protected me from so much
So many things that I couldn't deal with

All the beatings when he would unleash his anger and frustration on mom
Watching the most important woman in the world get the shit kicked out of her
Watching her get tossed around and thrown down stairs

I couldn't take it
There was no way I could comprehend Dad hurting Mom like that

I think that is when you first took notice
When you first realized that I needed protection

Then she left and it was just me any my sister
His focused turned to us
We became the target of his anger and rage
I couldn't let him do that to our little sister
So I would step in
I would do things to make him go after me

I remember how it felt when he would punch me
Like my entire body was going to shatter into a million pieces
I remember when he would put the full weight of his body on my chest
I couldn't breathe and I would gasp and struggle to get air
I couldn't scream
I couldn't make a sound

So many times I came to terms with my own demise
That this would be the time that he didn't let up
To be 5, 6, 7 years old and come to terms with your death on a daily basis

The night terrors
When I would wake up in the middle of the night
Completely paralyzed
Unable to move
Unable to breathe
Laying there dying but unable to make anyone aware

The things he did to our cat
The sick things that he made me watch
The things he did to himself
The sick things that he made me watch

It was too much for you too
You couldn't bear to see me like that
So you stepped in
You took over and you pushed me behind you
Sheltered me from it
While you took it on
All of it

You saved me

I dont know if I've ever shown you the proper amount of gratitude for that

I love you for that

I know I've never said that to you
I know you've never heard that before
But it's true

I love you

You were my hero, my savior, my light

I became more and more dependent on you
It became easier and easier to step behind you
To let you deal with everything
While I stayed sheltered
While I stayed safe

You became more and more angry
You became hateful
Your light began to dim
You began to resent me for the safety I had
While you took the full force of everything

As I came out less and less I left you to deal with things
Things that you were not equipped to deal with
You didn't know friendship, kindness, empathy or care
That was never your purpose
What you knew was hate and anger

That is what you brought to the world
I refused to be involved and so you were left to navigate in the only way you know how

You surrounded yourself with other broken people
But none were ever quite as angry and vicious as you
Even they wondered what the fuck was wrong with you

You hurt people because it was the only way you knew how to express yourself
It was the only release you knew
The light that you once were became corrupted

It went dark