canvase

I want to paint this canvas with beauty…the happiness i'm given…that you've given me...

Light…

I want to paint this canvas, make it sturdy with emotions, encrusted it with paint, time, and devotions...but in the end i know its still hollow on the in side...
i want to paint this canvas its been staring at me for a while, there's only two left you know...
only two more chances to show everyone...

how i feel now...
how things are going now...
how there’s a big difference…to separate past from present...

i want to get it right...

I’m sitting in my room, I’ve thought too hard now.

i opened a door mentally…
now colors pouring from my eyes, my skin, my hair...little dots from my insides being coughed up... i want to smear it on something, but I’m afraid that some one would call it the wrong colors...or shades..

...a soul's lie...

i don’t mean to hurt this much…why does this hurt so much?
”I want to be happy..i am happy by your side”

...i lay on the floor meditating, trying to get everything under control...

I don’t know how…I never told you I did…

Slowly but surely it starts to drip off me, being warm kind of comfortable…

*tick tick*
Hours spent being still...it starts to burn as i feel it start to surround me…negativity coming from my ribs and chest cavity...
5 beings pushing against the skin made wooden boxes…parts of me…mentally of course is how they started by I knew I had fed them way to often…physically is what negligence has begun… i trapped them in...the separate containers getting weaker and weaker form the lack of good emotions within...

i just wanted to use them as paint…
having spilled out on my bedroom floor, my carelessness shooting up me with sharp stabs of pain throughout my nerves…my head spinning…spine arching, the small cartilage starting to stretch some creaking from the strain….one box bursts open…

She was the first…the Negative Creep…used her fangs…no eyes but hollowed out holes in her face...her head twisted around to face me… in a way that just shouldn’t…her hair dripping with negative emotional grease…skin pale as death head whole body being revealed, she is crawling slowly, in short energetic bursts, he only way that she moves…her chest and stomach had been cut open facing upward, a little controller person sitting with in…the little being has latched on to her wiring…its cute enough, a large head ,little claws pieced together with metal as hands…she no longer feels or thinks..but she knows she’s in pain…she screams…that’s how she calls out to the others…blood curdling echoing screams…now pushing out of me…scattering under my bed away from the only light in the room…a small candle…

little kitty being scared clawed furiously at her domain, slipping out just to get away, being careful with my skin gently peeling away…she looks like me but smaller, laced with ineciceces… two cat ears attentive and a long tail…collar laced with little bells…she dashed under my desk…

For the irony of it tthe two creatures that shared a box…oppisites...a ‘joker’, a lustful, violent woman, wearing enough strips of stripes of black and purple to cover everything, a nut like my father, but smarter than him… and a true pagan named ivory, hair white from wisdom, long from not caring, eyes blue from seeing, mood swings scary …

then there's the Mellow and skitsafrantic…the last creature is short, half of her hair missing …a little razor token to it probably…she has beautiful emerald green eyes, with little golden speckles …little hidden jade horns…her chest hollow…once a negative creep herself, rib bones still hang down…but had overcome this, walking straight, having a controller as a pet…my little green monster with all my want...my neediness…unleashed now…hiding in my closet…
I cry in agony starting to feel empty…then there…paralyzed…time moving way to quickly...everything has sped up way too fast... its making me dizzzy...

*buzz*
you call, the floor's colors seem to quickly starts to re-apper...i can now seem what my room has become...
the face of one of my greatest fear..
myself in a peice of a creaked mirrior...
I scream…
i manage to find the thing causeing the sudden instability in my instability....

i hear your voice...honey kind of hopefulness,love, kindness...a type of soft grace... you tell me to wipe the tears from my face...
they are scared of you,or what you could do...
...you help me press them back inside me…
help me rebind the boxes…
letting little kitty take over bits of me…
the smaller of my enititdys...a form of one of my personalities...
you take care of me in a way that i can finally breath...
you make everything better
you make me happy.
...comfortable again…
you never leave me alone for long...
i'm glade i can have a lover, a savior and a friend