deepundergroundpoetry.com
I. Don't. Know.
So, I am getting sent to Utah
For Year long treatment
But, I don't know if I should go
I hold the reins in this decision
And I know that this decision costs A-L-O-T of money
I know that my parents will feel they've done all they can
I know that people will figure it out, because I'll be missing my sophmore year.
I know that I won't be going to full year because of how expensive it is.
I know that it could help
but then again it could not
I don't know if I need it.
I know that insurance will only cover ten days
I know I will miss my family
I know my dog may forget about me (The worst part)
I don't know if I could be considered an attention whore
I don't know if I am really actually sick
I don't know if I need help
I know that supposedly people who try to get attention, usually need attention for some reason
I know many people there is something in my past that I can't remember, that I don't want to remember
I don't know if there really is
I know I don't really talk to my therapist, except for when I want too.
I know I'm wasting my parents money and time
I know that this could be a big mistake
I know not going could also be a big mistake
i know I am stressed beyond belief about this subject
I know I am afraid I won't...fit in there
i know I know I'm fat
i know I have low self esteem
I know...my mother considers me mean
I think being mean might be a cover because I don't want to be hurt again
i know I am angry at my parents about some things
I know all I want is for my parents to be happy
I know that if I were dead, they're lives after the mourning perios ould be so much better
I know i am a dissapointment to them, although they won't admit it
I know i am a let down in many different aspects
I know I don't understand myself.
I don't know what I am going to say/do once I'm there
I know I am still self harming
i don't know if I just do it to do it
I know that it feels good afterwards
i know that when I'm upset I feel like that's the answer
i don't know of any...remedy outside of cutting
i don't know who I will be without it
I know I miserably want a release from all this pain and stress
i know i am interested in drugs, but don't want to get hooked
I don't know if I am 'unwell' enough to go to this place
I know I think it would be easier to die rather then put up with all of this
I don't know if I would have the courage to really carry out suicide, although I have taken risks that could cause it
i know I don't wanna be me
I know I am confused beyond belief
i know I want to cry right now
i know I want to curl into a ball and just be alone
i know I want to be able to cry again...well sometimes
I know I don't want to be able to feel
i know sometimes, I just want to rip out my heart
I know I get agitated when I can't cut deep enough for my liking
I know i feel guilt all the time because of what I'm putting my family through
I know I hate the teetering emotions
I know I'd rather just feel nothing.
i know there's a chance I'm going to fail 9th grade.
I know my I'm hurting my family
I know going to this place, I might miss a grandparent's passing
i know I might miss a lot.
i know I' afraid that my family will finally realize that it's better without me around
I know my sister is depending on me to live through this.
I know I felt at first that my parents were giving up on me and were moving onto someone else when they adopted Kati.
I know I love Kati with all my heart, I know she helps me.
Atleast, I'm pretty sure she does,
Although I have learned to lie to her too
i know I care more about her health then I do about mine
It's nice to have someone else to take care of
It's nice to have the attention off of me
I know I wish to die in my sleep, pretty often
i know I hate laying in bed and not being able to cry when I really want to.
I know I am wasting my parents money
I know they will be unhappy if I screw this up
I know I don't particularly want to heal
I know suicide IS an option
I know this is the longest damn poem I've ever written, and I will be adding more to it as time goes on.
i know no one's really going to care or like this poem
I know it feels odd, explaining myself
But at the same time...it's okay.
For Year long treatment
But, I don't know if I should go
I hold the reins in this decision
And I know that this decision costs A-L-O-T of money
I know that my parents will feel they've done all they can
I know that people will figure it out, because I'll be missing my sophmore year.
I know that I won't be going to full year because of how expensive it is.
I know that it could help
but then again it could not
I don't know if I need it.
I know that insurance will only cover ten days
I know I will miss my family
I know my dog may forget about me (The worst part)
I don't know if I could be considered an attention whore
I don't know if I am really actually sick
I don't know if I need help
I know that supposedly people who try to get attention, usually need attention for some reason
I know many people there is something in my past that I can't remember, that I don't want to remember
I don't know if there really is
I know I don't really talk to my therapist, except for when I want too.
I know I'm wasting my parents money and time
I know that this could be a big mistake
I know not going could also be a big mistake
i know I am stressed beyond belief about this subject
I know I am afraid I won't...fit in there
i know I know I'm fat
i know I have low self esteem
I know...my mother considers me mean
I think being mean might be a cover because I don't want to be hurt again
i know I am angry at my parents about some things
I know all I want is for my parents to be happy
I know that if I were dead, they're lives after the mourning perios ould be so much better
I know i am a dissapointment to them, although they won't admit it
I know i am a let down in many different aspects
I know I don't understand myself.
I don't know what I am going to say/do once I'm there
I know I am still self harming
i don't know if I just do it to do it
I know that it feels good afterwards
i know that when I'm upset I feel like that's the answer
i don't know of any...remedy outside of cutting
i don't know who I will be without it
I know I miserably want a release from all this pain and stress
i know i am interested in drugs, but don't want to get hooked
I don't know if I am 'unwell' enough to go to this place
I know I think it would be easier to die rather then put up with all of this
I don't know if I would have the courage to really carry out suicide, although I have taken risks that could cause it
i know I don't wanna be me
I know I am confused beyond belief
i know I want to cry right now
i know I want to curl into a ball and just be alone
i know I want to be able to cry again...well sometimes
I know I don't want to be able to feel
i know sometimes, I just want to rip out my heart
I know I get agitated when I can't cut deep enough for my liking
I know i feel guilt all the time because of what I'm putting my family through
I know I hate the teetering emotions
I know I'd rather just feel nothing.
i know there's a chance I'm going to fail 9th grade.
I know my I'm hurting my family
I know going to this place, I might miss a grandparent's passing
i know I might miss a lot.
i know I' afraid that my family will finally realize that it's better without me around
I know my sister is depending on me to live through this.
I know I felt at first that my parents were giving up on me and were moving onto someone else when they adopted Kati.
I know I love Kati with all my heart, I know she helps me.
Atleast, I'm pretty sure she does,
Although I have learned to lie to her too
i know I care more about her health then I do about mine
It's nice to have someone else to take care of
It's nice to have the attention off of me
I know I wish to die in my sleep, pretty often
i know I hate laying in bed and not being able to cry when I really want to.
I know I am wasting my parents money
I know they will be unhappy if I screw this up
I know I don't particularly want to heal
I know suicide IS an option
I know this is the longest damn poem I've ever written, and I will be adding more to it as time goes on.
i know no one's really going to care or like this poem
I know it feels odd, explaining myself
But at the same time...it's okay.
Published 9th May 2012
| Edited 10th May 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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10th May 2012 6:24am
for everything you have just said, the opposite is also true. Your dog will miss you and will remember you and be so happy when you come back home. Sometimes they take a few minutes to recognize you and accept that you are alive, but I have had a few dogs and I know what they go through when you are away. They don't understand at first, they keep checking your room and common places to see if you are there, but after a while they accept that you are gone. So when you come back, they don't believe it's you, they might bark and act like you are a stranger, but they will sniff until their noses tell them it is you and then goe crazy while every inch of their body wags with their tail. A dogs love is forever.
There is so much I want to respond here with but it is more than my mind can process between my ADD and stroke.
I don't know who decided this program needs to be a year. 6 moths, maybe 9 tops, it seems like an arbitrary amount of time, everyone is different. Someone said it takes a year and they stretched out a program to last as long as they needed it to be for some financial reason, but no matter, if it gives you a chance to change your life, then I say go for it. Don't worry about dissapointing your parents, when you are 40 and are disappointed in yourself, that's the person you need to think about. Do it for yourself. I spent 13 years wanting to die in my sleep or have a heart attack or get hit by a bus or whatever terrible thing could happen to rid the world of my miserable existence, so don't be fooled by your heart into feeling alone. There are people who care about you and the ones who don't are the same ones who don't care about me or most of the 7 billion other people on Earth. They don't need to be a part of your life and you don't need them to be. The one person you need to care about you is you.
jj
There is so much I want to respond here with but it is more than my mind can process between my ADD and stroke.
I don't know who decided this program needs to be a year. 6 moths, maybe 9 tops, it seems like an arbitrary amount of time, everyone is different. Someone said it takes a year and they stretched out a program to last as long as they needed it to be for some financial reason, but no matter, if it gives you a chance to change your life, then I say go for it. Don't worry about dissapointing your parents, when you are 40 and are disappointed in yourself, that's the person you need to think about. Do it for yourself. I spent 13 years wanting to die in my sleep or have a heart attack or get hit by a bus or whatever terrible thing could happen to rid the world of my miserable existence, so don't be fooled by your heart into feeling alone. There are people who care about you and the ones who don't are the same ones who don't care about me or most of the 7 billion other people on Earth. They don't need to be a part of your life and you don't need them to be. The one person you need to care about you is you.
jj
16th May 2012 8:37pm
thankyou, it's funny you always leave the longest comments, and when I look and see them, I'm like...Oh shit someone really understands x]
17th May 2012 2:45am
I have a reputation for being long winded and this is some serious $h1t to deal with. a...and what with being the most intelligent being in the Universe, I just can't help myself, ;-}
10th May 2012 9:52am
Honey I have an option for you. I swear I know a LOT off ppl like u, I am one of them too. I understand you , *hugs*. You almost seem like MYSELF to me!!
16th May 2012 8:36pm
17th May 2012 12:43pm
are u seeing a shrink and r u on fb? U can add me. Also there are support forums for people like u and me, don't destroy urself hun!
