deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Forever Agnostic
I'm glad I stopped going to church a few weeks ago. I didn't like that the Bible study leader expressed that I was a hypocrite for simply expressing how I felt about the church. He also yelled at me once in a way they he never yelled at anyone else.
I'm convinced that this is not the group for me. That church in general is not for me. I never met a single close friend. The Christians are never the ones who even go out of their way for me. It's always my more skeptical friends who are willing to go in the mud with me. Christians, with their pearly white garments, don't want to look dirty.
In my new in-process memoir called The Forever Agnostic, I express that I never felt I belonged with the atheists who seemed like snobby businessmen nor with the Christians who seemed like children who could never grow up. Either group angered me deeply. Both seemed to have cultish behaviors. Recovering from Religion, a community I joined on Slack, wanted you to lean left, and if you said anything that darted from that, you were treated as an outsider. Christians in the church, while more watered down and nice, feel like ghosts that have already moved on without me.
If you asked me if I believed today, I wouldn't even be sure what to tell you. I guess I thought Jesus Christ was different from any other leader of religion because I hear my deep thinker friend say that he didn't even want a religion made after him, that he mainly wanted people to treat one another with decency.
I want to believe that. Truly I do, but what about all these rules like sex before marriage and the like? I mean that's the one reason why we failed, J. Because I internalized that message, and I'm just angry.
Not that I mean to mention you in everything I write, but it's true, and you mean a lot to me. So, I'm angry with the church about that.
Truly from the bottom of my heart.
I'm convinced that this is not the group for me. That church in general is not for me. I never met a single close friend. The Christians are never the ones who even go out of their way for me. It's always my more skeptical friends who are willing to go in the mud with me. Christians, with their pearly white garments, don't want to look dirty.
In my new in-process memoir called The Forever Agnostic, I express that I never felt I belonged with the atheists who seemed like snobby businessmen nor with the Christians who seemed like children who could never grow up. Either group angered me deeply. Both seemed to have cultish behaviors. Recovering from Religion, a community I joined on Slack, wanted you to lean left, and if you said anything that darted from that, you were treated as an outsider. Christians in the church, while more watered down and nice, feel like ghosts that have already moved on without me.
If you asked me if I believed today, I wouldn't even be sure what to tell you. I guess I thought Jesus Christ was different from any other leader of religion because I hear my deep thinker friend say that he didn't even want a religion made after him, that he mainly wanted people to treat one another with decency.
I want to believe that. Truly I do, but what about all these rules like sex before marriage and the like? I mean that's the one reason why we failed, J. Because I internalized that message, and I'm just angry.
Not that I mean to mention you in everything I write, but it's true, and you mean a lot to me. So, I'm angry with the church about that.
Truly from the bottom of my heart.
Published 14th Jun 2024
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Anonymous
- Edited 31st Jul 2024 7:45pm
19th Jun 2024 2:03am
<< post removed >>
22nd Jul 2024 4:34am
being a christian is about loving God and Obeying his word.
if the people at the church or churches you went to were not welcoming you in and sharing the glorious gospel of Jesus christ to you, that church was not living as true bible obeying born again souls should.
How ever, if you are mad at people or God for calling out your sin and rebellion toward God as described in the bible, you should look into becoming right before God by repenting and believing in Jesus christ.
you see, everybody is a sinner my nature. romans 3:23 says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. sin is anytime we fail to meet Gods standard. which is perfection. and Romans 6:23 says the wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus. you see, we all are under the judgment of God due to our sin. and Jesus lived on earth as fully God and fully man and he lived a perfect sinless life and then died on the cross to pay our sin wages. You and I owe God a debt, But Jesus paid it in full on the cross. Three days later God raised him from the dead to prove that he approved the work Jesus did. and so by repenting from our sin(turning away from) and placing our full trust in Jesus for salvation from our condemnation of sin, we will be saved. no works you do, nor prayers you pray will save. only by having faith in Jesus will you be saved.
my friend, if the people at those churches did not tell you that, they did not love you and God was not with them as 1John 4:8 says.
also Jesus states in John 14:15 to keep his commandments and in John 28:16-20 he tells true believers to preach the gospel to the lost among other things. long story short, it is not good to be angry at God, who shows you mercy by giving your lungs air to breathe and you heart blood to pump everyday. Check what your standing is with God and please come to Jesus and be saved!
I love you so much and i keep you in my prayers friend.
In Christ,
Mark
if the people at the church or churches you went to were not welcoming you in and sharing the glorious gospel of Jesus christ to you, that church was not living as true bible obeying born again souls should.
How ever, if you are mad at people or God for calling out your sin and rebellion toward God as described in the bible, you should look into becoming right before God by repenting and believing in Jesus christ.
you see, everybody is a sinner my nature. romans 3:23 says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. sin is anytime we fail to meet Gods standard. which is perfection. and Romans 6:23 says the wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus. you see, we all are under the judgment of God due to our sin. and Jesus lived on earth as fully God and fully man and he lived a perfect sinless life and then died on the cross to pay our sin wages. You and I owe God a debt, But Jesus paid it in full on the cross. Three days later God raised him from the dead to prove that he approved the work Jesus did. and so by repenting from our sin(turning away from) and placing our full trust in Jesus for salvation from our condemnation of sin, we will be saved. no works you do, nor prayers you pray will save. only by having faith in Jesus will you be saved.
my friend, if the people at those churches did not tell you that, they did not love you and God was not with them as 1John 4:8 says.
also Jesus states in John 14:15 to keep his commandments and in John 28:16-20 he tells true believers to preach the gospel to the lost among other things. long story short, it is not good to be angry at God, who shows you mercy by giving your lungs air to breathe and you heart blood to pump everyday. Check what your standing is with God and please come to Jesus and be saved!
I love you so much and i keep you in my prayers friend.
In Christ,
Mark
18th Sep 2024 7:13am
I mean your words honestly are empty. I have seeked and seeked and it will never be good enough. I have tried and tried and no one ever cares. Everyone wants the fixed me, and they use me as a punching bag. "God loves me" is a useless sentence and means nothing. People saying I'm worthy means nothing. if I'm worthy of hell, then fine, I don't care. I saw hell when my family threw me away like garbage. If all I've ever be is a punching bag, then it doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how much I cry out to Jesus. There's nothing, and my cup is empty.
18th Sep 2024 7:15am
And if you dare say that I have a victim mentality....If YOU DARE...
go ahead and stab me too.
God is not within you, and your words are filthy and stupid.
go ahead and stab me too.
God is not within you, and your words are filthy and stupid.
I didn't mean to harm you nor do I say you are anything but redeemable and fully loved by God.
We all have done wrong before God. I have, you have, we all have sinned.
Sin separates us from communing with God. That's why He kicked Adam and eve from the garden after the first sin.
If you cannot handle the fact that God does not tolerate sin in any form, then how can you demand God fix everything else in your life?
All I really want is for you to know that God really truly hears you. He really does.
But if you hold anger in your heart against God it is not God who is failing you.
Holding anger toward your creator for not giving you what you didn't deserve in the first place is going to push God away.
What we ALL deserve is to be punished for sinning against a perfectly holy God. Forever.
If you continue like this, ironically God will give you exactly what you want!
If you want to push God away he will leave you to live life without him.
And I personally would hate that for you!
I read what you are saying, I see someone who is lost and hurt and confused and very very angry.
(You might not say you are confused but if you knew God for who he says he is you wouldn't lash out in anger Defensively)
I am not your savior. My words are not very special.
What matters is what God says. And God promises all over the bible that if you cry out with a contrite heart to God, He will hear you and he will answer.
He always answers and sometimes the answer is no.
So,
Again.
I am sorry to have upset you and I didn't mean to pin you down In some way. I really truly care for you and I desperately want to see you enjoy what great things God has promised.
Note here that Jesus actually promised us that our lives would be incredibly hard.
The bible does not teach that life will be easy but instead that we can trust God to give us all he knows we need to get through it. He promises to walk beside us and strengthen us in the darkest times but that can only happen if we trust him and turn away from anything we are holding onto that pulls us from Him.
I hope this won't upset you more and if it does, I am sorry. I dont know what to say.
I have also fought tooth and nail to find the truth but I always found the same emptiness you did.
Aside from God there is nothing fulfilling. My parents abused me, my old church treated me like a tool and I could not break free from my anger at God for not killing me. I attempted suicide for 3 years over and over again but God failed all my efforts.
He brought me to my absolute end because I wasn't dying and I wasn't living.
I swung from atheism to hypercharismatic movements. I was born a Mormon and was raised in a tumultuous home. I know exactly how you feel.
I am not home I this world. The only comfort i get is God my creator but I had to give up everything I had to get him. My lifestyle my friends my ideologies.
Even one of my own siblings.
I still live in pain and I am too poor to move out of my abusive household. God Is really truly the only thing keeping me going. I have nothing.
You can read my poetry if you don't think I'm being honest. I'm sorry that things aren't going so well but I know what that feeling is like. It's like a crab in the water pot.
You know things are heating up but you just die alone and empty.
If you really love Jesus,
Take up your cross and follow him.
It will hurt, so does any sacrifice.
Jesus didnt die for us to reject him.
He didn't go through the most pain imaginable to watch us say he doesn't get it.
He gets it.
He did it all for you.
You are not a punching bag you are a dearly beloved creation and image bearer of God.
So if you say God is not love and that it's an empty statement, you are lying to yourself. I have walked that road.
I rejected God over and over while still asking him to save me but I wasn't willing to let him rule my life.
I got angry and it is a unspeakable grace that he didn't let me take my life.
You are not beyond God's love but you also shouldn't push him away so much or at all.
This is an edit I know but I just know what you are going through and I dont have the words to tell you how much I feel for you.
We all have done wrong before God. I have, you have, we all have sinned.
Sin separates us from communing with God. That's why He kicked Adam and eve from the garden after the first sin.
If you cannot handle the fact that God does not tolerate sin in any form, then how can you demand God fix everything else in your life?
All I really want is for you to know that God really truly hears you. He really does.
But if you hold anger in your heart against God it is not God who is failing you.
Holding anger toward your creator for not giving you what you didn't deserve in the first place is going to push God away.
What we ALL deserve is to be punished for sinning against a perfectly holy God. Forever.
If you continue like this, ironically God will give you exactly what you want!
If you want to push God away he will leave you to live life without him.
And I personally would hate that for you!
I read what you are saying, I see someone who is lost and hurt and confused and very very angry.
(You might not say you are confused but if you knew God for who he says he is you wouldn't lash out in anger Defensively)
I am not your savior. My words are not very special.
What matters is what God says. And God promises all over the bible that if you cry out with a contrite heart to God, He will hear you and he will answer.
He always answers and sometimes the answer is no.
So,
Again.
I am sorry to have upset you and I didn't mean to pin you down In some way. I really truly care for you and I desperately want to see you enjoy what great things God has promised.
Note here that Jesus actually promised us that our lives would be incredibly hard.
The bible does not teach that life will be easy but instead that we can trust God to give us all he knows we need to get through it. He promises to walk beside us and strengthen us in the darkest times but that can only happen if we trust him and turn away from anything we are holding onto that pulls us from Him.
I hope this won't upset you more and if it does, I am sorry. I dont know what to say.
I have also fought tooth and nail to find the truth but I always found the same emptiness you did.
Aside from God there is nothing fulfilling. My parents abused me, my old church treated me like a tool and I could not break free from my anger at God for not killing me. I attempted suicide for 3 years over and over again but God failed all my efforts.
He brought me to my absolute end because I wasn't dying and I wasn't living.
I swung from atheism to hypercharismatic movements. I was born a Mormon and was raised in a tumultuous home. I know exactly how you feel.
I am not home I this world. The only comfort i get is God my creator but I had to give up everything I had to get him. My lifestyle my friends my ideologies.
Even one of my own siblings.
I still live in pain and I am too poor to move out of my abusive household. God Is really truly the only thing keeping me going. I have nothing.
You can read my poetry if you don't think I'm being honest. I'm sorry that things aren't going so well but I know what that feeling is like. It's like a crab in the water pot.
You know things are heating up but you just die alone and empty.
If you really love Jesus,
Take up your cross and follow him.
It will hurt, so does any sacrifice.
Jesus didnt die for us to reject him.
He didn't go through the most pain imaginable to watch us say he doesn't get it.
He gets it.
He did it all for you.
You are not a punching bag you are a dearly beloved creation and image bearer of God.
So if you say God is not love and that it's an empty statement, you are lying to yourself. I have walked that road.
I rejected God over and over while still asking him to save me but I wasn't willing to let him rule my life.
I got angry and it is a unspeakable grace that he didn't let me take my life.
You are not beyond God's love but you also shouldn't push him away so much or at all.
This is an edit I know but I just know what you are going through and I dont have the words to tell you how much I feel for you.
30th Sep 2024 2:22pm
Thank for being so nice to me.
A lot of people aren't. :(
I'm sorry for being defensive. I wish you well, and yes, I will do my best to follow Him.
Please know I'm trying. Because I feel I cannot do anything good for others or God :(
A lot of people aren't. :(
I'm sorry for being defensive. I wish you well, and yes, I will do my best to follow Him.
Please know I'm trying. Because I feel I cannot do anything good for others or God :(
30th Sep 2024 4:59pm
Only other thing I'll really say is that moralizing the situation or saying things about how God cannot tolerate sin just won't cut it for me. I'm not for "tough love" so to speak. I'm about meeting people where they are at and just validating where they are. I do think you did that a lot. Don't get me wrong. But I already think I am horrible, so telling someone like me about sin probably wouldn't be helpful.
Hope that makes sense hun. I love you
Hope that makes sense hun. I love you
2nd Oct 2024 2:40am
I understand that.
I am sorry if my words didn't communicate what I wanted.
Life is a journey. And God is gracious.
I will keep you in prayer and if you need anything that one random dude in the internet can help with hit me up.
I love you so much and I wish the best for you.
Hope you have a good day or night when you read this <3
I am sorry if my words didn't communicate what I wanted.
Life is a journey. And God is gracious.
I will keep you in prayer and if you need anything that one random dude in the internet can help with hit me up.
I love you so much and I wish the best for you.
Hope you have a good day or night when you read this <3
