Honoring my reserved ways

I told my friend last night that if I ever had to get a new therapist, I wouldn't bother. That I'm so attached to the one I have now, that I literally have zero energy to let someone new in.

It's the same with you. I don't know entirely why my feelings can't be legit or valid there. Why I'm wrong for preferring someone I have a history with. Why I'm wrong for being too worn down by this point to date. I see it in my mind- a picture of me and someone new. I see our photoshopped smiles, and all I see is empty. Call me negative. Call me a lost cause. Call me stubborn. But yes, while I understand I could fall for someone else, it seems very unlikely. And I'm genuinely okay with that. I think it's in my introverted personality to be like this. I don't care if I spend the rest of my days being impacted by you even if it doesn't work between us. At least I can be glad for your happiness from a distance.

I just want more than anything to accept my natural self, to know I'm not wrong for being the way I am. I'm tired of people telling me to let go when I technically did a long time ago. I don't think letting go for someone you truly love means that you stop wanting them or stop seeing them or stop thinking about them. I think it simply means that you trust that even if they're not there physically, they're always with you spiritually.

I think what I really did in 2022, a bit before you came back into my life, was say, "Enough is enough," and my thoughts were more at peace. I never have forgotten, but I can get out of the bed without wanting to die or without feeling like I'm digging into a deep black hole. I know now that no matter what happens, you can't hurt me anymore. Not that I truly felt like you were trying to begin with. But I know that now I can rest in peace.

My afterlife of torment has been resolved, and I'm crossing over into joy.