house of cards

 
it all crashed down with 4 short words
echo reverberating in my ears
shattering every fragile illusion
destroying all hope of a life never had
dreams of an idyllic childhood  
left in the past
...gone...
point of no turning back  
...
& I couldn't tell you who said them
only remember dropping the phone
going out into darkness
utterly alone
left my baby in her cradle  
& simply walked away
goddess forgive me...
...it was necessary
too raw yet to weep
standing beneath a darkened sky  
staring up at stars he would never again see
...
while he was present I could still pretend  
tell us both everything was just fine
ignoring the wreckage of my own broken life
because he was my foundation
the rock on which I relied...ironic that
& there it was...splintering at my feet  
forced to acknowledge a hero's defeat
ever watch glass spiderweb as the crack slowly spreads
...then you've witnessed the birth of my new reality
reversal of roles had come to an end
...
see...while I dealt with a monster
still barely older than a toddler
I kept it to myself  
ashamed yes...
but I had to protect him
they constantly stressed how he shouldn't be upset
so...I became divided
daddy's little girl & a fighter
when hell is your playground  
childhood doesn't exist
I shielded him from the knowledge
carried that stain on my own
innocence tainted but it was safe
...as long as he didn't have to know
& they tell me it was him who failed me
I can never make them understand  
I'd do it all over again
anything
to avoid adding to his personal struggle
...
I was his sunshine
his greatest joy & his pride
those gifts should only come with a smile
shouldn't they...
& his laughter motivated me
made it easier to face my demons
giving me strength
& concealing my secret down deep
as the disease ripped through his body
it tore through my heart
so I guarded my own pain
building walls of make believe  
...
but those words...dammit those words...
know what happens when a mighty tower crumbles
& truth comes tumbling down
desolate exposure
nobody left for me to protect now
day of reckoning
suddenly I had to face facts
fiction is so much more palatable  
don't you think
though a lot harder to maintain
...
it's taken years to find solace
gather the threads of my damage
& weave them into a new me
raising a girl strong enough
to be vulnerable & admit her need
being a safe space for her to fail
& a fortress when she has to retreat
I taught her to be a guardian of herself  
knowing she could tell me anything  
even when the person hurting her
...was me
...
I had no instruction manual
only knew what I had needed back then
working forward from there
I fuck up...I do
but I never give up
I always push through
showing her how to tackle life
1 battle at a time
...
because the cycle must be broken
& those words never fade
tainted by the guilt & my shame
I'd hidden it all from his sight
I would not let it haunt our future
the way it did my youth
when a little girl shouldered the burden of too many others
...taking on the role of a spirit mother
my girl & I had tough conversations  
relived devastation
but we made it
I wasn't passing my damage on to my daughter
that's not the legacy he would have wanted
more important...neither did I  
...
he wasn't the perpetrator
but he was the unintentional cause
keeping me from speaking up
generational trauma needs to end
& my healing began...
when that forgotten voice said
your father is dead