deepundergroundpoetry.com
secrets to be guilty of
I want to call you
even though we only talked
yesterday
But I don't want to say
what's on my mind
I don't want to find
where your judgement limit begins
because once I start spilling secrets
I don't know where they'll end
And all I can think about
between my self-created drama
is how your husband
looked me up
to get the dirt on you
so many years ago
a few months
before he left you
and made me promise
to keep our conversations
a secret
And I did
because I thought he was
trying to look out for you
the silly sweet girl
that could walk into
a biker bar
and not realise a bar fight
was about to go down
You have always been
the definition of naive
you trust too easily
and apparently I do too
because I brushed off
the way he flirted with me
told myself that's just the way
he was
Like I wasn't your best friend
who'd made a secrecy pact
with a man who was already
half way out the door
neither of just knew it yet
And I have thought a million
times about wanting to tell you
but the more time that passes
the harder it gets to tell
so I keep this silence
because I'd rather drown in guilt
than lose you
I want to call you
even though we only talked
yesterday
But I don't want to say
what's on my mind
because I'm still an idiot
accumulating secrets
like they'll come in handy
for something more useful
than a guilty conscience
Only today it's not just you
I'm keeping secrets from
I remember your lying husband
and how I didn't technically do anything wrong
except keep a stupid secret
for reasons I don't understand
I never wanted to hurt you
so I won't call
won't tell you all the ways I'm stupid
so I don't accidentally let slip
how shit of a person I am
the weight of these secrets
too heavy on my heart today
even though we only talked
yesterday
But I don't want to say
what's on my mind
I don't want to find
where your judgement limit begins
because once I start spilling secrets
I don't know where they'll end
And all I can think about
between my self-created drama
is how your husband
looked me up
to get the dirt on you
so many years ago
a few months
before he left you
and made me promise
to keep our conversations
a secret
And I did
because I thought he was
trying to look out for you
the silly sweet girl
that could walk into
a biker bar
and not realise a bar fight
was about to go down
You have always been
the definition of naive
you trust too easily
and apparently I do too
because I brushed off
the way he flirted with me
told myself that's just the way
he was
Like I wasn't your best friend
who'd made a secrecy pact
with a man who was already
half way out the door
neither of just knew it yet
And I have thought a million
times about wanting to tell you
but the more time that passes
the harder it gets to tell
so I keep this silence
because I'd rather drown in guilt
than lose you
I want to call you
even though we only talked
yesterday
But I don't want to say
what's on my mind
because I'm still an idiot
accumulating secrets
like they'll come in handy
for something more useful
than a guilty conscience
Only today it's not just you
I'm keeping secrets from
I remember your lying husband
and how I didn't technically do anything wrong
except keep a stupid secret
for reasons I don't understand
I never wanted to hurt you
so I won't call
won't tell you all the ways I'm stupid
so I don't accidentally let slip
how shit of a person I am
the weight of these secrets
too heavy on my heart today
Published 9th Jun 2024
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9th Jun 2024 7:50am
The hurt really comes to life in these words. I love the way you kept the scheme simple and were still able to include a lot of information. Good job
9th Jun 2024 9:43am
The regret and guilt here is palpable, Indie. I pray it doesn't eat you alive.
I had someone recently confide in me about the same thing and asked what they should do. I told them the question to ask themselves is, 'Which would be worse, the strength to keep it to myself or hurting her? Would I be telling her to alleviate my regret and guilt? Or, for her benefit, even though the dick isn't in her life anymore? What purpose would it serve? Have I not learned to never do it again?
Perhaps that was the purpose of the experience to begin with.
I have no doubt you're a good friend. Ghosts in the closet rattling their chains and bones are a reminder of times gone by; however, those bitches can also be exorcised.
Your work is straight from the gut and gets me every time. Though often I'm not sure what to say.
I had someone recently confide in me about the same thing and asked what they should do. I told them the question to ask themselves is, 'Which would be worse, the strength to keep it to myself or hurting her? Would I be telling her to alleviate my regret and guilt? Or, for her benefit, even though the dick isn't in her life anymore? What purpose would it serve? Have I not learned to never do it again?
Perhaps that was the purpose of the experience to begin with.
I have no doubt you're a good friend. Ghosts in the closet rattling their chains and bones are a reminder of times gone by; however, those bitches can also be exorcised.
Your work is straight from the gut and gets me every time. Though often I'm not sure what to say.
10th Jun 2024 2:55am
Thank you, A, that's a big compliment.
This guilt is something I've been wrestling with for years. I don't want to dredge up old wounds and then make them worse, she doesn't deserve that. And yeah, the question is, is the catharsis of my honesty worth her pain? And for now, it's no.
Some secrets are worth living with, and some aren't.
This guilt is something I've been wrestling with for years. I don't want to dredge up old wounds and then make them worse, she doesn't deserve that. And yeah, the question is, is the catharsis of my honesty worth her pain? And for now, it's no.
Some secrets are worth living with, and some aren't.
10th Jun 2024 3:59pm
