Sometimes I Scare Myself

Today I found out that sometimes I scare myself.
The things I think about aren’t considered normal,
But I’m not sure what is.
“What if I took one too many sleeping pills-“
Too far?
Well,
My life isn’t shit,
But I am truly living a shitty life.
Sometimes I hold a knife to my chest,
Hard enough to feel the motion,
Gentle enough to leave no damage.
When I realize,
I always shoo the impulse.
I can’t help when certain concepts wrap around my head,
Almost a need to seek out the movement,
Just enough to get a rise outta me.
I have no intention of carrying out these plans,
But I morbidly imagine the “what ifs”,
And that scares me.