A Tease

I say that I want to die
 
I feel like I want to die  
 
Thoughts of death run through my head a thousand times a day
Its become so completely normalized
It doesnt scare me or worry me  
 
I know that something is broken for me to feel this way
Except that I dont feel broken
It doesn't feel wrong  
 
Sometimes I sit with a gun to my head with my finger on the trigger
I want to see if this is the time I will squeeze
I like that it makes me feel so close to death  
 
Sometimes I hold a blade to my arm and move it softly across, up and down
Maybe I will press hard enough to pierce the flesh this time
Its comforting to be so close to death  
 
I invite death
I dance with death
I flirt with death
I court death
 
But we never go all the way
We never seal the deal  
 
It always ends in frustration
Never a release  
 
Im such a fucking tease  
 
I always ask for patience
I always say that one day Ill go all the way  
 
I only get one chance at my first time
I want to do it right  
Make it perfect for both of us  
 
The ecstasy will be worth the wait
The anticipation will only heighten the pleasure
The denial will only sweeten the surrender