the monotony of caring

There's nothing to do  
and I sit still  
like this anxiety won't kill me  
 
Cause it won't  
but sometimes I wish  
it fucking would  
so it can be over  
and done with  
 
There's nothing to do  
and I pace the house  
like all I'm trying to do  
is get my daily steps up  
 
I'm not  
but if I don't move  
I'll go insane  
 
There's nothing to do  
 
There's everything to do  
 
I would write a list  
but I've already cried today  
and I've lost the will  
to fight for moments  
that are mine  
 
Peppa pig is on the TV
kiddo stole my lunch  
and is rubbing his clean butt  
all over my upper arm  
as I write this  
cause 4 year olds are weird  
 
I can't do the dishes  
without a tug-a-war
for the kitchen sink  
that I always, always lose  
cause no neurodivergent  
water obsessed 4 year old  
is going to believe  
that the sink is just for grown ups  
 
I've been hit and kicked  
and closed the fridge  
so many times  
next time I clean it  
I'm sure I'll find a colony
of dead flies in places
they definitely don't belong  
 
I think about my unfinished  
university assignments  
and how they'll probably stay that way  
for another week or two
cause we're all sick  
and I don't have the energy
to get up early enough
or stay up late enough  
to press through the crush of words
that go in one ear and out the other  
like I never read them at all  
 
I think about how no one ever really visits
for longer than an hour  
if they visit at all  
because this place is a mad house  
no one really knows how to handle  
 
I think about how I never see my friends  
because we're all too busy with life  
and depression and the ridiculousness  
of existentialism  
 
I think about how my partner and I  
collapse at the end of the day  
like burnt out cars  
only to find ourselves  
barely reincarnated in the morning  
and find ourselves  
burnt out shells again
before days end  
 
And I hate that I can't take my kid  
to the park like a normal mother  
because he's fearless and stupid  
and obsessed with all kinds of wheels  
and will 100% try and chase a car  
which isn't as funny as it sounds  
 
I hate that all my shopping is done online  
because shops are designed  
to overstimulate the senses  
and we're one pink shoe  
or thrown apple away  
from a meltdown that will leave me  
with bruises  
 
I'm bored and I'm lonely  
and there's nothing I can do  
to ease the weight of these days  
that crush me with love and meltdowns  
I don't have the power to control