Puh-leeze... Pleeeeease…

“Trust? Puh-leeze,” I said. “As if I would now. As if anything you ever said means anything.” I added. I wanted to hurt him. He wanted me to trust him. I couldn’t.

He just looked at me, stood up and left the coffee shop. He left me crying and wondering if he will ever come back. Who the fuck does he think he is? I don’t know him. I don’t want to know him anymore. He doesn’t mean anything to me. So why is my heart aching and I want to puke?

We have been a couple for years now. He stood by me when everyone didn’t. He was my constant companion when he could have left as he saw me destroy my life and everyone around me. I’ve been in and out through out. I pushed everyone away yet he stayed. I have no idea why he stayed. But he stayed. And now I was at it again. I was pushing away the only one in my life who mattered to me. Why? Because I did not trust anyone. Not even myself. Maybe it was the medications. Maybe it was me. I don’t know. I just knew I would not let anyone touch me. Not even my own flesh and blood. They gave up on me a long time ago. Now I am all alone with a man who says he wants me to trust him. Why?

The next few days were hell. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t do much of anything. All I could do was stare at my cell waiting for him to call or text. I so wanted to apologize. Ohhh, I so wanted to kick his ass for making me want to apologize. How did he do that? How did he make me want to surrender when I never could? Damn it.. I want to kick his ass…right NOW

And the phone pinged. “We should talk.” This was it? This was all the message he managed to send? Fucking idiot…Ooo… now I really want to kick his ass.

The barista almost declined to give me my coffee. Last week was a melt down. I stayed all day at her shop crying and she kept bringing me tissues to wipe my tears. Now I was back and she looked at me wanting to know if I was going to do that scene again. “Thank you,” I reassured her I was fine with a smile as I took my coffee. Only she wasn’t convinced since he was standing behind me waiting for his as well.

“SO. TALK.” I shouted at him even before he sat down.

He smiled and said, “You’re too loud.” He took a sip of his brew and added, “People are starting to look at us.”

“I DON’T CARE.” I yelled again. I might have been using a megaphone for all I cared. Everyone in Starbucks snickered.

“What is wrong with?” He said “You sure need your screws tightened.” He finally spilled it out.
 
He was right. I do need my screws tightened. Unfortunately I threw away all the screwdrivers a long time ago. And I was about to loose the last screwdriver I ever wanted. His.

“When we first met you told me I was too wild,” I said. “So why are you complaining now?”

It all started when I opened an OnlyFans page and sold subscriptions. He didn’t like it. Not that it mattered to him if people saw me naked online. It mattered to him because he never did in person. I never let him. I never let anyone see me or touch me since I was forced to a long time ago. It still haunts me to this day.

“Well, you didn’t have to send your pictures to Jenny,” he replied. “I knew you were naughty but this is wicked.”

“Why?” I swung again. “Don't tell me you’re still seeing that slut of yours again?” Jenny was his old girlfriend before he knew me. I always suspected he was going to go back to her one day.
 
“No,” he replied. “You know I’m not. Jenny just called me and said you are going to burn in hell for being so devious.” He chuckled.

“Yeh, well, I contacted Satan, asked if he could dial back the heat,” I replied. “I do have him on speed dial you know.”

“I bet you do.”
 
We sat for a few minutes talking about lots of things. I usually do most of the talking. He just sits and listens most of the time. I usually make the rules of our relationship. But one thing I overlooked this time, or I haven’t noticed, is that he was about to change the rules.

“Let’s go to your place.” He finally asked. This was the make or break he was waiting for. I had never let him in my flat before. If I said “no” this time I knew I was never going to see him again.

A few minutes later I was standing in my kitchenette pouring a Jack for me. “Want one?” He was standing behind me. I could feel his breathing on my neck. The glass was in my hand and the knife was in the other. The last time someone breathed on my neck he got his face slashed. He knew that. I told him that. He must have seen the knife in my hand yet he still stood his grounds. Why?

When I felt his lips on my shoulder I gripped the knife tighter. He still continued. When he reached my ear the knife fell down on the floor and his hand mingled in-between the locks of my auburn hair.

Suddenly he gripped and pulled hard and my heart stopped. He spun me around to face him. Our eyes locked and his grip on my hair tightened. I stopped breathing. At that moment I knew I was his…. And he was finally mine…  “pleeeeease…”